Answers

The most recent questions are at the top of the page. Unanswered questions are in red. Click here to see only Unanswered Questions. (Tip: You can use the Find command in your web browser to search this page, or use the Search box at the bottom of the menu to search the entire site.)

If you would like to ask a question, you can email me at marksimonson@mac.com.

385. “Lady Luck’s Take a Chance Map of the U.S.A.”

Q. What issue contains “Lady Luck’s Take A Chance Map of the U.S.A”? Thanks very much for your help!

A. That would be the March 1979 (“Chance”) issue.

384. Gahan Wilson “Baby” Cartoon Feature

Q. I am trying to track down a Gahan Wilson cartoon that was in National Lampoon probably in the ’70s. It was about human infants becoming the next big food craze. It was one of his larger multi panel comics features and it was in color. Any idea what issue this was from? Any help would be appreciated.

A. That would be “Baby Food” from the July 1974 (“Dessert”) issue.

383. Chris Miller Cat Story

Q. I’ve be trying to locate what issue featured a story (I believe by Chris Miller) where a couple of cats converse about the humans they live with. Thanks in advance. 

A. I think I’ve read most of Miller’s short stories from NL, but I don’t remember that one. If anyone else remembers it, please add a comment below.

382. “Hooray, It’s Captain Midol!” Cartoon

Q. I’m trying to locate a cartoon that I believe was from early-mid ’80s National Lampoon. The cartoon showed a woman screaming at her husband, and a superhero with a big “M” on his chest appears and the husband says “Hooray, it’s Captain Midol!”  Any help finding this would be greatly appreciated.  

A. I don’t remember this and didn’t find anything doing a text search on the NL Complete DVD. If anyone else knows, please leave a comment.

381. Very Large Book of Comical Funnies Cover Model

Q. Does anyone know who the model is in the photo on the front cover of The Very Large Book of Comical Funnies? Is anything known about the creation of this photograph? I’d like to know who she is so I can find out what her face looks like, too! Haha.

A. The only information I have about the cover is in the credits on the contents page of the book: 

Cover: Arky & Barrett [the photographer]
Cover Stylist: Laura Singer

No mention of the model, but they almost never identified models in the magazine, unless it was someone famous, like Brooke Shields.

She’s likely to have been a model who appeared in the magazine before, maybe in a Foto Funnies feature, but there doesn’t seem to be enough clues to make the connection even if that’s the case.

So I guess you’ll just have to use your imagination.

If anyone else happens to know more about the model and/or the photo shoot, please leave a comment.

380. High School Kid Secret Agent

Q. One of the funniest stories I recall reading in the Lampoon was about a kid that tells a fantastical story about his exploits as a secret agent. I think the character’s name in the story was Chuck or Chuckie. Do you have any idea who wrote that story, what issue it was in or any information that might help me track it down?

A. Turns out, this question was already answered (#252 in 2010): “The Spy Who Wore Nothing,” by John Hughes from the August 1980 (Anxiety) issue. Thanks to Keith (who sent me this question) for figuring it out.

379. Who Was Riva Kreplach?

Q. Wondering if you might know whose pseudonym was Riva Kreplach (specifically the author of the Mighty Minerva piece in the 1971 Women issue)?  Couldn’t find anything online, and I was hoping you’d know.

A. I’m afraid I don’t know. But it does sort of ring a bell, like maybe I had read who it was somewhere and have forgotten. I’m thinking Michael O’Donoghue or maybe George Trow? Again, I don’t know, or can’t remember if I did know. Maybe I’m imagining it.

If someone out there is less confused about this question than me, please leave a comment here.

378. Grim Reaper Cartoon

Q. Probably around mid 70s or early 80s, there was a cartoon in one of the issues. The cartoon showed  the back of the grim reaper facing a graveyard. The grim reaper says, “Malmolm Piester [sic] you may take one giant step back into the world of the living.” Out of one of the headstones comes “May I?” And the grim reaper says, “No you may not”. If you know where I could find that I’d be ever so grateful.

A. It doesn’t sound that familiar to me, and I did a quick search but was unable to find it. If anyone else remembers this cartoon and where to find it, leave a comment here.

377. Maidenform Ad Parody with Bullwhip

Q. A friend who is advancing in the lawyer world started joking about dressing for success and carrying a bullwhip into her meetings with underlings, and I remembered an “advertisement” from NL. It featured a woman wearing a Maidenform bra, holding a bullwhip and standing on a table in a room full of executives, screaming “Gentlemen, this is going to be distinctly unfriendly!”

Any chance you could point me to which issue that appeared in?

A. Wow, that does not sound familiar to me at all. I did a quick search on the PDFs from the old National Lampoon Complete DVD, but nothing turned up. I wonder if it appeared in some other magazine.

If anyone else remembers this and knows where it was from, please comment below.

376. “Level this planet” Cartoon

Q: There was a cartoon about a UFO landing in NYC.  One alien gets out to explore and gets mugged, etc.  When he gets back to the ship, he is asked how it was by his alien colleagues and his response is “Level this planet.”

A: Once again, Cartoon Carol to the rescue: “Found it! ‘Close Encounter With Ronnie’ by ‘Stevens and Spielberg’ (actually Chris Browne) appears on page 76 of the Feb. 1978 ‘Spring Fascism Preview’ ish.”

Thanks, Carol! (More info in the comments below.)

375. Love Canal Homes For Sale

Q: There was an spoof ad for selling homes in Love Canal as a great place to raise a family, that showed a young couple pushing their baby on a swing in a park.  The baby in the swing I think, was a toaster with doll arms and legs.

A: Carol found it: “Wrong Lampoon! This is from Harvard Lampoon’s 1981 People Parody. ‘People of Middletown Pa. Are Glowing, But Not With Health’, reads a headline over several pix of parents playing with children who have mutated into various appliances. So, not Love Canal either. Or an ad parody.”

Thanks again, Carol!

374. “Too Much Pink” Comic

Q: Trying to find online (or other) reference to Nat Lamp comics page that used the phrases “too pink” and “much too pink” about a woman’s breasts. Probably an early issue, maybe by Peter Bramley. Any ideas?

A: Carol nails it: “”Too pink! Too pink!” is screamed in terror by evolved cockroaches of the future when confronted by a Playboy centerfold. This is the ultimate horror after they’ve suffered a visit from a 20th century insurance salesman in WEERD TAYLS, a comic book parody in the May 1971 (Future) issue. Written (in futuristic cockroach dialect, yet!) by Choquette and Kelly. Art by Frank Springer.” Thanks again, Carol!

373. Sexual Preference Crisis Short Story

Q: I recall a quote from an old NL story about a boy who was having some sort of sexual preference crisis so he “punched out my aunt and joined the Marines” or something like that. It was probably in the late ’70s or early ’80s.

A: Sorry, but I am unable to find it.

If anyone else has the answer please leave a comment.

372. Cartoon: Asking for Change in a Bathroom Stall

Q: Do you remember a cartoon from around 1973 where there are two bathroom stalls and the one guy is asking the other if he has TP, and finally asks if has singles for a $20 bill?  The artist might have been Sam Gross or Charles Rodrigues.

A: That would be “Farouk Comix” by Yossarian in the August 1972 (“The Miracle of Democracy”) issue, page 90. (Thanks to Carol for answering this one.)

371. Lost Lemmings Live Performance

Q: I have been looking for the longest time for the Wood Village “live” performance—the 1971 one, not the 1973 one I usually find—of Lemmings wherein Belushi summarizes today’s PC idiotology: “if you’re not a third world black lesbian you deserve to die”. It could be on one of the officially-released LPs or in the Radio Hour collections. Any hints, clues, trails to follow?

A: Seems like I’ve heard that, too. I thought for sure it might be in one of the “stage announcements” on the Lemmings LP, but I listened to all of them and didn’t hear it. Admittedly, I didn’t listen to the entire album, but I’m pretty sure everything else on the album is musical performances and other non-stage-announcement material. I’m not sure where else to look.

If anyone knows the answer to this question, please post it in a comment here.

370. Gracie Whitebread

Q: I’ve often wondered about Gracie Whitebread. Well, not that often, really, no really! Anyway, I cannot find anything of substance related to her on the Internet. Do you know if she played much of a role on the radio show? Have you heard what became of her?

A: Her real name was Gracie Weisbrot. I got an email from her grandson’s husband, who writes: “She was the voice of Gracie Whitebread on The National Lampoon Radio Hour. Her brother was Lenny Mogel [publisher and president of National Lampoon, Inc. during the 1970s—MS].  Gracie lived to be 106.  When the DVD box set came out a few years ago, I purchased it for Gracie and she got a thrill hearing herself again.  She would tell stories of working with John Belushi and the cast. Gracie and her husband were married in 1930 and divorced in the early 1970s.  She moved back to New York from Los Angeles.  She was already in her 60s and since she had time on her hands, Lenny asked her if she’d like to do office work at the Lampoon magazine.  That’s how she got the gig to play Gracie Whitebread.  Gracie died late Feb of 2015.  By the way, Lenny Mogel is still alive and lives in California.” Thanks, Todd!

369. War-Injury Lottery Story

Q: I have a hazy memory of a short anti-war story that may have appeared in the early-to-mid-’70s. Actual war is outlawed, but in its place there is a lottery, and drafted young men are assigned their war injuries by chance. The protagonist wakes after his “assignment” and gradually discovers that he has been reduced to a brain and spine suspended in a fluid tank. Kinda like a cross between Shirley Jackson and Dalton Trumbo. Does that sound familiar?

A: That would be “War Hero” by David Chambourt from the May 1971 (The Future) issue.

368. Funny Class Photo Captions

Q: Looking for a 1970s edition with a story of class photos of graduates with innuendoed names.

A: Pretty sure that would be the National Lampoon 1964 High School Yearbook Parody (1974). The captions for the underclassmen photo sections were written like that.

367. “I’ll Sing on Your Album If You Sing on Mine”

Q: Looking for a parody titled “I’ll Sing on Your Album If You Sing on Mine”. I think it featured Willie Nelson and another CW singer and would’ve been from the ’70s.

A: This was a printed song-parody, not a recorded one. It appeared in the ‘Texas Supplement’, which ran (for some reason) in the Dec. ’77 (Christmas in December) issue. (Thanks to Natalie for providing the answer. More info in the Comments link.)

366. Girls School/Scarsdale Diet Doctor Thing

Q: I’m trying to find the issue that had some kind of “Girls School” thing that somehow related to the woman who shot the Scarsdale Diet doctor. It would have been in the Fall of ’79?

A: It was “Crush: The Secret Newsweekly Magazine of the Madeira School for Girls” by Michael Civitello and Brian McCormick from the June 1981 (Romance) issue.

365. Two Comic Book Parodies

Q: I am looking for a National Lampoon issue that had a comic book parody called “Captain (something) Boy O Boy” and it featured the cartoon “Kit and Kaboodle,” the take off of Tom and Jerry. There is an issue from june of 1973 that has a “Kit and Kaboodle” cartoon in it, but its not the insert I’m looking for.

A: bit I think you’re mixing up two different pieces: “Cap’n Jasper’s Boy O Boy” was a depression-era boy’s magazine parody by Bruce McCall that appeared in the June 1975 (Rainy Day Sunday Funbook) issue. “Kit ‘n’ Kaboodle” was a comic book parody by Brian McConnachie and Warren Sattler that appeared in the June 1973 (Violence) issue. It’s possible that they both appeared in a later anthology, but I don’t feel like checking.

364. New England Primer Parody

Q: In one issue there was a parody of the old New England Primer, and the only entry I can remember (from the parody) was “A Mormon’s Wives ye Devil Swives” Can’t remember who illustrated it, but it was utterly brilliant. So anyway, in which NatLamp issue did this memorable piece appeared?

A: “A Mormon’s Wives ye Devil Swives” is from “Protestant Section” from the December 1974 (The Judeo-Christian Tradition). The illustrator was Randall Enos Gil Eisner. The section was a kind of grab bag of humor aimed at Protestants.

363. “Fingerfuck” Graffiti Story

Q: Is the story where O.C. and Stiggs paint the dirtiest word they could think of upside down on the underside of a bridge available? They painted “Fingerfuck” so every one driving into town by crossing a bridge would have to read it.

A: That was in “Halloween Rampage” by John Hughes from the October 1980 (Aggression) issue. Nothing to do with O.C. and Stiggs.

362. Mel Brewer and Ron Fields

Q: I remember a bit on the radio, mid 1970s that had me and my brother in stitches. I would love to locate it. It was Albert Brooks (I believe) interviewing either the real Charles Nelson Reilly, or a great impersonation. Reilly was musing and going off in all different tangents. At one point he says “We’re talking Gump Worsley”. I don’t remember much else in terms of details. All I remember was nearly dying laughing.

A: Almost every clue you gave was off, except the part about “Gump Worsley.” That could only mean one thing: “The Mel Brewer Show” bit from the 1975 NatLamp LP Goodbye Pop. The characters in it were Mel Brewer, a late-night radio DJ (played by Bill Murray) and Ron Fields, a fast-talking record promoter (played by Christopher Guest). In the bit, Fields gives Brewer an “inside tip” that the next big trend in music will be whaling songs, apparently mixed up about the kind of music Bob Marley and the Wailers played, which was an actual trend at the time—Reggae. Gump Worsley was given as the sort of person the new music would appeal to. Murray and Guest reprised these characters several times on the LP and also on the Radio Hour (“Mel Brewer’s Insomnia Time”).

361. “The Effective Manager” by Ed Bluestone

Q: I am looking for an article written by Ed Bluestone. I believe it was in 1986.
The title was “The Effective Manager: There’s Profit and Fun in Running Your Firm like Attila the Hun”. It was sort of a parody of 1980s leadership books like The One Minute Manager”.

A: It appeared in the April 1987 (Crime Pays) issue.

360. Fran Drescher, Foto Funnies Model?

Q: Was Fran Drescher ever a Foto Funnies model? For some reason I have it in my head that that was her back in the mid ’70s.

A: I’m pretty sure that she wasn’t. I’m going to mark this as “answered”, but if anyone knows otherwise, let me know.

359. Margaret Thatcher in Underwear

Q: Do you remember a cartoon on the back cover of Margaret Thatcher in her underwear?

A: Mmm… No. But thanks a lot for giving me that mental picture. If you, dear reader, know the answer, please post it in a Comment.

358. Belushi “It’s My Baloney, Man” Bit

Q: I was wondering if you can tell me where I can find a clip of an old radio hour bit that we always imitated back in college. I believe it was a Belushi skit involving stoned out college guys living together and one always complaining that the other had raided the fridge and taken his baloney. He was always referring to “it’s my baloney, man”. I’m fairly certain it was from the radio hour series. The “it’s my baloney, man” became a private joke or saying between my college buddies.

I’m also looking for the clip where (I believe it was) Belushi’s Craig Baker character recited his own college drinking cheer, something like “Hey hey… hey hey hey”. This was also a refrain that we mimicked for years.

A: I remember the Craig Baker, character, but not either of those bits. If you, dear reader, know the answer, please post it in a comment.

357. Idiot Teens’ Summer of Love Road Trip

Q: Not sure if your expertise extends this far, but there was an issue in the 1990s that had an article about The Idiot Teens taking a road trip to celebrate the Summer of Love. I’m trying to figure out what issue that was in so I can track it down.

A: That would be “Road Trip To Glory”, by Beryl Sweeney from the August 1991 (Going Places!) issue.

356. Trots and Bonnie: Dominatrix Dream

Q: I saw this in National Lampoon in late 1974 or early 1975. It was the “Trots and Bonnie” comic strip by Shari Flenniken. In this strip, Bonnie had a dream she was a dominatrix with a harem of men sex slaves. One poor guy was tied to a cross and he said “do you remember the time we made love for three days?” To which she replied “yes, and i might have come if your mother hadn’t been there”. Another guy was in a cage and he called her a bitch.

A: Marcel, in the Comments, comes through: “It was in the july 1975 X-rated 3d entertainment issue. So this strip is actually in 3D.” Thanks, Marcel!

355. Female Forest Rangers Tracking Indians

Q: I am remembering a color cartoon featuring some buxom female forest rangers tranquilizer darting Indians to do a study of their migratory habits. What issue was it? I am thinking 1974 and it was on the inside front cover.

A: It was an episode of “Danger Rangerette”, a comic strip by Frank Thorne (art) and Ted Mann (script) that ran in the ‘Poon in ’77–’78. (Thanks to Tom and Karol for the answer.) More info in the Comment link.

354. NatLampCo Map of the World

Q: I remember a world map insert into one of the magazines that had all the countries and a number of cities with very funny names. I remember having it posted on my wall above my desk and would read through the names for a good laugh. But I cannot seem to find it listed as any part of a National Lampoon publication. Any ideas?

A: Yes, that was one of the funniest things ever—the NatLampCo Map of the World. It was bound into the back of The National Lampoon Encyclopedia of Humor (1973).

353. Budget Hotel Bit (Audio)

Q: I recall a short vignette involving an inexpensive motel, but my searches have come up empty. “Would you like windows with that sir? That will be an extra $7” etc. Does this ring a bell? I have the CD, it’s just a matter of finding the right key word.

A: “The Custom Budget Motel” by John Bendel appeared in the April ’81 (Chaos) issue. (Thanks to Mara for answering this one.)

352. Story About a Strange Toilet

Q: There was a story about a toilet in an old house. A house guest spent an inordinate amount of her time in the bathroom. In the end she winds up buying the toilet.

A: That would be “Pruzy’s Pot” by Theodore Sturgeon from the June 1972 (Science Fiction) issue.

351. “The Assassination of Garfield”

Q: I read a story about the assassination of Garfield (the cat). It was in the early eighties. (Great writing) Do you know what issue this was?

A: “The Assassination of Garfield”, by Joey Green and Fred Graver, appeared in the March 1983 (Tamper-Proof) issue.

350. Bicycle Seat with Scratch ‘n’ Sniff Tag

Q: I was in a conversation with friends and we were talking about a National Lampoon issue that had a picture of a bicycle seat and a scratch and sniff bar on the seat. If I remember correctly, it was a joke personality test and the article that followed labeled people based on whether they actually tried to scratch and sniff the seat. I’ve narrowed the issue to sometime December 1973 and May 1974.

A: What you remember is a photo illustration that went with the article “Whiffers and Cooties and Lungers on Strings” by Doug Kenney from the February 1974 (Strange Sex) issue. It’s a survey of strange behavior. No personality test, however. No idea where you got that from.

349. “INCAR” Manifesto Satire

Q: I have a half typed copy of a satiric political manifesto called “INCAR: International Committee Against Reason”. I recall that it was in an anthology issue of some kind.

A: If you, dear reader, know the answer, please post it in a comment.

348. Casablanca Parody

Q: National Lampoon did a spoof of Casablanca wherein Rick and Ilsa spend a steamy night together. Any idea what issue that appeared in?

A: It appeared in Playboy, not National Lampoon. Michael in the comments says: “Story is titled ‘You Must Remember This’ by Robert Coover. First published in the January 1985 issue of Playboy.”

347. Criminal Sketches by Famous Artists

Q: Which one had the parody of Calder, Magritte, and Picasso as criminal sketch artists?

A: The article was “Criminal Investigationism” by Gerald Sussman and Henry Beard from the June 1973 (Violence) issue.

346. Chicken Farts Cartoon

Q: I’m looking for a cartton that I believe was in an issue of National Lampoon back in the ’70s. It is quite simply the “Chicken Farts” cartoon. Two or three chickens walking around in a butcher shop with “Pfffft, Pfffft” coming from the chickens with a caption that reads “Chicken Farts, $.49 a pound”. Does this sound familiar and something that you remember being in an issue of NL?

A: If you, dear reader, know the answer, please post it in a comment.

345. Richard Burton / Richard Harris Comic

Q: Looking for an issue from about 1981-82 spoofing a drunken Richard Harris and Richard Burton trying to pick up girls at a bar—“a case of Aqua Velva and 4 Glasses!” My buddy and I have been laughing over that piece for years, but haven’t been able to track it down. Any ideas?

A: It was “Double Date Comics: Trouble in Dublin” from the October 1981 (Movies) issue.

344. “Jo’Burg” Magazine

Q: Can you tell me which issue featured a spoof of the Johannesburg Free Press. I believe it had a fold out picture depicting a white nuclear family sitting on a couch watching TV, they had surprised expressions on their faces, the text on the TV stated “Black Power comes to South Africa.” a power cord was visible extending from the TV off the page, when opened the cord was shown attached to a generator bicycle with a black man pedaling to power the TV. Within the issue was an ad from a department store in Johannesburg offering a special for the month stating that if a washing machine and I believe the accompanying dryer set was purchase the box would be donated to a needy Zulu family to be used as a room addition. Can you help me or am I deranged and dreamed it all up? I have looked through every image I can find. Unfortunately all of my Lampoon issues were destroyed by a broken water pipe in 1983. Thanks for your time.

A: That was in the September 1983 (All-Star Gala Self-Congratualtory) issue. It was a parody of New York magazine called “Jo’Burg”, or at least it took the format and tone of New York magazine.

Your memory of the cover is a little off: It shows a smiling, white couple watching tv (the screen is facing them, so you can’t see what’s on it) with the power cord going to a bicycle generator operated by a black man. No fold-out. The washing machine ad is just as you remembered.

343. Employment Application for Women

Q: I’m looking for the issue that had an employment application designed for young women and the reference section included “give the names of at least three people you’ve blown”

A: The article in question is “Can I get a job at the National Lampoon?” by P. J. O’Rourke (June 1977). (Thanks to MarkB for the answer.)

342. Mexican Buses Article

Q: I am looking for an issue from National Lampoon‘s magazine. It was from 1976, I believe, possibly 1975 or 1977. There was an article on Mexican buses. I was one of the models in the article and I was hoping to find a copy to show my husband and children.

A: If you, dear reader, know the answer, please post it in a comment.

341. Heist Movie Parody Poster

Q: I’m almost positive this parody poster image appeared in the Lampoon. Would love to know the issue.

A: I don’t recall seeing it in the magazine. If you, dear reader, know the answer, please post it in a comment.

340. Fake ad for “Terminol”

Q: Trying to find a copy of an ad (fake) or article from National Lampoon probably in the ’70s. Had to do with Terminol, a medication for the problem patient. Basically, a bottle of 45 caliber bullets. Do you have any recollection?

A: See the Physicians Drug Refrence question.

339. X-Rated Kid’s Birthday Party

Q: I have a vague memory of a NatLamp story where a kid’s birthday party turns sexual due to clown (or other entertainer) giving the kids never-named-but-obviously cocaine, etc. Did this really exist, if it did was it from NatLamp, or is it just an artifact of my own sick mind?

A: That would be a story by Chris Miller from the July 1975 (X-Rated 3-D Entertainment) issue called “Magic Show”. Except it wasn’t a clown, but a magician by the name of “Dr. Fun”.

338. “Desperate Fun” Story

Q: I remember a story written by P.J. O’Rourke called “Desperate Fun” and I think it was published in National Lampoon.

A: Actually, it was written by Tod Carroll. It appeared in the December 1980 (Fun Takes a Holiday) issue.

337. Trots & Bonnie Nude Photo Shoot Cartoon

Q: I’m trying to locate the issue of National Lampoon that featured a “Trots and Bonnie” cartoon where Bonnie(?) is trying to photograph a young man nude. When he becomes aroused, her attempts to “discourage” him lead to the predictable result.

A: The title is “Soft Core”. The story first appeared in the March 1976 (In Like a Lion) issue and was reprinted in ‘The Gentleman’s Bathroom Companion II’. (Thanks to Carol and Dell for answering this question.)

336. Full Deck and Screw Loose Cartoon

Q: I recall a cartoon circa ’70s or ’80s, P.C. Vey maybe, of a guy at a bar with a miniature crane and a house of cards saying “you think I’m not playing with a full deck, but they’re all here; no the problem is that I have a screw loose” or words to that effect.

A: Cartoon Carol sez: “This cartoon appeared on page 62 of the August ’83 (ET and John Glenn) issue. It’s one of several by Robert Mankoff.” Thanks, Carol!

335. Picture of Blonde Abandoned at Drive-In Movie Theater

Q: I remember a single page image of a blonde sitting on the asphalt of a drive-in movie. All the cars are gone and it looks like somebody ‘took her there’ and just left her. It may have been in the issue with a small three segment comic strip about ‘Front seat orgasm, the cause of many highway accidents.’ Do you know which issue this was in?

A: Pretty sure you’re thinking of the cover of one of the special issues, National Lampoon Best of #5 “Sloppy Seconds”, which reprinted articles from regular issues from 1973 and 1974. The highway accident bit is from the first article in the issue (“Split Beaver Section” from February 1974).

334. “Once Gods Roamed” Story

Q: Wasn’t there once a story titled something like “once gods roamed this place”? it had an illustration of a large football player and other figures walking down a street, larger than life…

A: Doesn’t ring a bell for me. If you, dear reader, know the answer, please post it in a comment.

333. “The ’80s: A Look Back”

Q: Had dinner with a cousin tonight and he was telling me about an issue of National Lampoon that came out in 1979—it was a look back to the ’80s. In one part there was an interview with a dolphin—comic strip. This is all I know about the issue. Does it sound familiar? Do you know what issue it is?

A: It was produced by a bunch of Lampoon writers and artists (including some who had left the magazine), but it wasn’t published by National Lampoon. The book was called “The ’80s: A Look Back”. It was published by Workman Publishing. The main writers were Tony Hendra, Christopher Cerf, and Peter Ebling. Michael Gross, NL‘s original art director, was also involved, as were some regular NL artists, such as Rick Meyerowitz.

332. Howard Chaykin “3-D” Illustration

Q: I’m trying to find out where this Howard Chaykin illustration was used. I’ve looked through back issues, but can’t find it anywhere.

A: I looks very familiar, but I don’t know where I’ve seen it before. A similar illustration, possibly by Chaykin, appears in a “house” ad in the June 1975, promoting the July 1975 (3-D) issue. The concept is the same, but it’s a one-eyed guy (and he’s not wearing a skimpy outfit). I wonder if perhaps this art was used in ads placed in other magazines (e.g., Rolling Stone) to promote the 3-D issue? That may be where I remember it from. I checked several issues back in NL, thinking it might be in another house ad, and didn’t see it.

If anyone else can solve this mystery, please post it in a comment.

331. “Vengeance is His”

Q: I remember an article about those terrible people in your life, bullies, terrible bosses, senseless assholes, people who made your life miserable. And how these awful people were going to GET theirs. In extreme old age. Heart attacks in their sleep, similar deaths. No retribution. So and so would die horrible at 97 in their sleep from a massive stroke, and never wake up. I’m wondering if it might be the April 1980 “Vengeance” issue?

A: Yep, that’s the issue. The article was called “Vengeance is His” by P.J. O’Rourke.

330. “Have you been eating snails again?”

Q: In which issue does the strip Timberland Tales conclude with Maurice ripping a nasty fart (Broomm Fraaap Breeet). As Nell swoons in the mounty’s arms he exclaims “Good God Maurice! Have you been eating snails again?” If I remember correctly, they are all at Nell’s cabin to celebrate Christmas. I use that line anytime someone farts in my presence.

A: That strip appeared in the June 1977 (I got my job through the…) issue in the Funny Pages section.

329. Mr. T on Crack

Q: Looking for a cartoon story about Mr. T on crack. Gets all skinny and sickly.

A: Cartoon Carol says: “The O-Team: Mr. T in Dustbusters” ran in the May ’85 (Celebrity Roast) issue. Written by Tony Kisch, with great art by Adam Kubert. (The previous O-Team comic, “Mr. T in G Marks The Spot” appeared in the January ’85 (Good Clean Sex) issue.) Thanks, Carol!

328. “Planet of the Naked Women”

Q: I’m looking for an article called Planet of the Naked Women (where women act like men and men act like naked women).

A: “Planet of the Naked Women”, by P.J. O’Rourke, appeared in the April 1979 (April Fool) issue.

327. Sexual Checklist

Q: Lampoon published a sexual checklist once—twins; amputee; etc.

A: The Feb. ’79 (Heterosexuality) issue ran a 3-page “Men’s Lifetime Heterosexual Score Sheet”. (Thanks to Carol once again for the answer. See the Comments link for more.)

326. “I’m Blind and My Dog Has Asthma” Cartoon

Q: I’m looking for a cartoon that I believe was done by Rodrigues in National Lampoon. It was a blind man begging and holding a vacuum cleaner by the cord. His sign read: I’m blind and my dog has asthma. I still laugh out loud when I think of it.

A: Dave in the comments has posted a link to the cartoon on Facebook. The issue it appeared in, which, thanks also to Sam in the comments, was May 1981 (“Naked Ambition” issue).

325. “So, Dave, how do you like being a fascist?” Cartoon

Q: I remember reading a cartoon in NatLamp. Long ago. It depicted a couple of guys dressed in black SS looking uniforms, sitting at a table and having a few drinks. The caption read something like “So, Dave, how do you like being a fascist?” I’m looking for the author (it might have been Rodrigues), and if possible, the date of the issue it was in (I don’t want to have to thumb through all of my back issues). Does this ring a bell?

A: February 1972 (Crime!) issue, page 15, a cartoon by Gahan Wilson. (Thanks to Marcel for the answer.)

324. Streetlight Inspector Ad

Q: I remember seeing in a National Lampoon Magazine in the 70s a fake ad like something you’d see in an old magazine that went something like “Become a Certified Street Light Inspector” by taking a mail order or vocational school course that I thought was interesting and funny. Do you know anything about that? Also interested in info in a fake advertising spread or article about exaggerated ’50s-type cars and/or ocean liners whose scale was so big it dwarfed the passengers.

A: The streetlight inspector ad was in the “Popular Workbench” magazine parody, by Bruce McCall, from the July 1974 (Modern Times) issue. McCall also did the other articles you describe (the “Bulgemobile” series of car brochure parodies and the “R.M.S. Tyrannic” brochure parody respectively). You can find all these articles and more in his book “Zany Afternoons”, which was published in the early ’80s. It’s out of print, but probably not to hard to find used, at Amazon for example.

323. Photo of Huge Biker with Axe Handle

Q: There was a photo of a huge biker with an axe handle in one hand. The caption read “Our collection department…” I believe it was an ad for the magazine. Any idea on which issue or if the photo is available?

A: That doesn’t quite sound like the Lampoon to me, but could be. I don’t remember it, in any case. If you, dear reader, know the answer, please post it in a comment.

322. Exploding Light Bulb Story

Q: I’m trying to find a story that appeared in an issue in the late ’70s or early ’80s. The plot was around a pair of high school boys who had a foreign exchange student in their biology class who would engage in some extracurricular activity in the back of the classroom. Also when one of the boys was home alone pleasuring himself he caused his light bulb to explode.

A: “The Foreign Exchange Student”, by Chris Miller, from the August 1989 (Wet T-shirts Throughout History) issue. (Thanks to J-Lo for the answer.)

321. “My Life of Practical Joking”

Q: When I was a teenager, late seventies, I read a short story in National Lampoon with a title something like “my life as a practical joker” I would love to find it again to read. Do you know where I can find this?

A: That would be “My Life of Practical Joking” by Tod Carroll from the October 1979 (Comedy) issue.

320. Photo of Someone Slamming Phone Down

Q: I am trying to find a photograph that accompanied an article. Simply, the photo is someone about to slam down the phone. More accurately the person in the image is fully extended, arm well above the head. The phone cord extending below the feet was my first clue he is hovering above the desk, about to really slam the phone.

A: I’m drawing a blank on that one. If you, dear reader, know the answer, please post it in a comment.

319. “Fukital” Ad

Q: I’m looking for a consumer ad for Fukitol resembling Geritol.

A: The “Fukital” ad was in the “laughtHER” magazine piece in the October 1979 (Comedy) issue.

318. Physicians Drug Refrence

Q: I am inquiring to find a piece that resembled a physicians drug reference insert for “Reciprocal Toxin” or something like that.

A: From Cartoon Carol: It was an ad for Reprisol (Toxin), and it appeared in COMA, a parody medical journal that ran in the May ’75 (Medicine) issue. Other miracle drugs promoted in COMA were Placebin (no medical effect at all, but acceptable to hypochondriacs) and Terminalin (“for cerebral infusion where euthanasia is indicated”; it’s a pill bottle full of bullets). Thanks, Carol!

317. Preacher With an Erection Problem

Q: I remember a tale about a preacher who got spontaneous hard ons and beat them in a book with a mallet to get them to go down.

A: It was “The Sexualization of Veranda” by Chris Miller from the December 1971 (Heart-warming Christmas) issue. (Thank to Guy for providing the answer.)

316. Cuban Homo Farm

Q: Which Lampoon issue had the quip or tale or whatever about being a prisoner on a cuban homo farm?

A: “Cuban Homo Farm”, by Gerald Sussman and Sean Kelly, appeared in the October 1975 (Collector’s Issue).

314. Highlights of the Inner City Science Fair

Q: There was a pieced called “Inner City Science Fair” or similar… Maybe it was just a component of the National Science Fair bit. Entries included: “The Effects of Drugs on Me” and “What I Would Do if They Gave Me the Space Shuttle” (or similar). I remember for the latter, the entrant opened with, “First, I would be surprised.” I still use that line frequently!

A: “Highlights of the Inner City Science Fair”, by Michael Reiss and Al Jean, appeared in the August 1983 (E.T. and John Glenn: Coincidence?) issue. (Thanks to Cartoon Carol in Answer #244 for help with this question.)

313. “Let’s Take a Dump” with Monty Hall

Q: I recall seeing a TV Guide-type ad parody for a game show called (either) “Let’s Take a Dump” or “Let’s Take a Shit”—with an actual picture of “Let’s Make a Deal” host Monty Hall.

A: Dawn sez: The TV Guide parody was a 16-page insert in the April ’77 (Ripping The Lid Off TV) issue. Page 12 of the insert has an ad for three game shows; ‘Let’s Take a Shit’; ‘The Dong Show’; and ‘The Snatch Game’. Don’t go looking for it on the “complete” (ha ha) Poon DVD; they didn’t include that section. Thanks, Dawn!

312. Time Travel Story

Q: They had a story about a man who hated the 10 year old boy next store. The kid annoyed him greatly. He was in the yard and the boy threw a football over the fence. He was going to yell at the boy, but when he was looking at him, the boy seemed to vibrate or loose sharpness for a second. The boy comes back into focus and looks at him and says’ “Hi Frank” then hear’s his mother calling and says “Mom ” as if he had not seen her for a long time. He runs to the house. The man picks up the football, which is a personal time machine and is transported back to when he was 10 years old.

A: “They Do Things Differently There”, by Chris Miller, in the June ’87 (Sex and Other Unusual Practices) issue. More info in the Comments link. (Special thanks to Poison Microchip for the answer.)

311. “Nazi Hunter” Comic

Q: There was a several page long comic about a Nazi Hunter—but unlike the real Nazi hunters, this one was a nazi who hunted down Jews who had served at concentration camps. What/when/why?

A: It was the “Gunnar Von Weissen: Jew Hunter” comic from the April 1980 (Vengeance) issue.

310. “Mr. President” Comic

Q: I seek the name/artist & issue(s) of NL for the following cartoon: I believe it was titled “Mr. President,” but that’s a guess. It was about a U.S. President who was a civil service employee. He lived in a walk-up apartment with his mother. He had to borrow extra chairs from the neighbors to hold cabinet meetings. He had to take a cab to the Pentagon to deal with international crises. I loved it, circa early 1970’s.

A: It was the of “Of The People” comic strip that ran in The Funny Pages in the early ’80s, drawn by S. Harris. (More info in the Comments link. Thanks to Mrs. President for providing the answer!)

309. Lampshade Contest

Q: I have recently been taking pictures of topless women with lampshades over their heads because of a spread I saw in the Lampoon when I was a kid in the ’70s. I had it confiscated from me in Jr. High and have wanted to replace it for as long as I can remember. Only thing is I don’t remember what issue it was. Can you help?

A: It was buckets, and it appeared in the February 1980 (Tenth Anniversary) issue. More info in the Comments. (Thanks to all the helpful readers who helped out on this one.)

308. Aesop Brothers Strip: Middleborough, MA

Q: I am trying to find a copy of the issue with the Aesop Brothers cartoon about how my home town, Middleborough, MA, described in it as the “Most Boring Town in America”.

A: I’m stumped. If you, dear reader, know the answer, please post it in a comment.

307. Howard Chaykin in a Foto Funnies Strip?

Q: I think I have almost all of the issues in which Howard Chaykin’s work appeared, except for one. I hear that he appeared in one of the Foto Funnies strips.

A: I’m sorry, I don’t know. If you, dear reader, know the answer, please post it in a comment.

306. “Basketball Air” For Sale

Q: I remember a tongue in cheek classified ad about “Basketball Air” for sale, not sure if it was the magazine or perhaps the Yearbook parody.

A: I’ve got nothing. If you, dear reader, know the answer, please post it in a comment.

305. Big “O” on Pedestal Cartoon

Q: Many years ago, in my youth, I saw a black and white cartoon that I wish I had saved. The cartoon showed a group of aboriginal types bowed down, worshipping a big “0” on a pedestal. There were two missionaries present and one said to the other, “Is nothing sacred?” Any idea if it was a NL cartoon? Gahan Wilson did s similar cartoon, but his was color and the people were more contemporary. On another website, someone commented that it may have been in the NL issue that had Che Guevara getting a pie in his face on the cover.

A: I can confirm that it wasn’t that issue. Other than that, I don’t know. If you, dear reader, know the answer, please post it in a comment.

304. “Last Flight of the Iron Eagle”

Q: Can you tell me which issue had the story of a horny old World War One flying ace who was chasing the nurses around the nursing home in his wheel chair? Something like “Last Flight of the Iron Eagle”

A: Sparky, in the Comments, comes through: “It’s a Phillip Jose Farmer story called ‘The Henry Miller Dawn Patrol’ I believe published in Playboy.” So, not from National Lampoon at all.

303. “Il Perverto” Comic

Q: For years I have been looking for the issue with a two page comic of Il Perverto with Giaccardo Giannini which was hilarious in sniffing bicycle seats. It always was hilarious and had it framed in my college dorm.

A: It was a parody movie poster for Zeffirelli’s ‘The Bicycle Seat Thief’, starring a whole bunch of zaftig Italian actresses and Giancarlo Giannini as Il Perverto. Written by Gerald Sussman, art by Rick Meyerowitz. It was in the Feb. ’82 (Sexy) issue. (Thanks, again, to Carol for this answer. More in the Comments.)

302. Who’s Angrier?

Q: Sometime between 1978 and 1980 National Lampoon released a pull out poster in their magazine with George C. Scott on one side and Kirk Douglas on the other. I thought I remember it being called “who’s angrier”. It had quotes from their lines in various films, each quote more aggressive, ending with George C Scott saying “Damn it Rommel, I read your book”, and Douglas quote of “ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh” from “The Vikings”.

A: That would be “Who’s Angrier: Kirk Douglas or George C. Scott” by Brian McCormick and Richard Rosomoff from the October 1980 (Aggression) issue.

301. World Without Women Cartoon

Q: There was a cartoon called, “What the World would look like without Women” in one of the old issues. It showed a cross section of a house with boys skateboarding down the roof, old men drinking whiskey everywhere and an underground storage tank (that fed the faucets) being filled by a tanker truck full of whiskey, among other things. Might you know which issue that one was in?

A: “What Life Would Be like Without Women”, drawn by Ted Enik, appeared in ‘Planet of the Living Women’ by P.J. O’Rourke and John Hughes. And that was in the February ’79 (Heterosexuality) issue. (Thanks to Cartoon Carol for the answer!)

300. Drug-That-Turns-You-Into-A-Guitar-Genius Story

Q: I am hoping to know more about a story I read in National Lampoon I’m thinking in Spring or Summer ’72 involving an uninspired guitarist who happens to smoke some anonymous substance and then picks up his unplugged guitar, strums a chord, and cascading waves like gigantic ball bearings of beauty sweep him away. Ring a bell?

A: That would be “Pipe Dream” by Chris Miller, from the June 1972 (Science Fiction) issue.

299. How Girls Age

Q: I think it was an issue between 1981 and 1984. It was a one-page chart showing face sketches of hot young girls with descriptions and then sketches and descriptions of what they will look like in the future (Pixie—Hag).

A: It was from “The Hughes Engagement Guide” by John Hughes from the November 1979 (Love) issue. Incidentally, it was “Pixie—Hillbilly”.

298. “Do It Yourself Brain Surgery”

Q: Does anybody remember what issue the do it yourself brain surgery article was in? It was about fixing a thing called PICA compression of a cranial nerve using mirrors, disinfectant, gel foam and of course a drill.

A: June 1982 (Do It Yourself), “How to Perform Hemifacial Spasm Surgery” by Mike Wilkins.

297. B. Kliban Ice Cream Cartoon

Q: For years I have been trying to locate a B. Kliban cartoon, staged in an ice cream shop advertising flavors such as liver and wood. Last on the list is vanilla. The ice cream guy is saying: “We’re out of vanilla.”

A: It wasn’t in National Lampoon, but in the February 1983 issue of Playboy. (Thanks to the guy who asked this question, who found it himself.)

296. Bulgemobiles

Q: There was auto drawings in one issue that showed the Buldgemobile and 2 people in the front seat about 20 feet apart. It may have been in the July 1973 issue Modern Times.

A: The artist you’re referring to, Bruce McCall, did the July 1973 cover, but the Buldgemobile piece you’re probably thinking of—“The ’58 Bulgemobiles!”—first appeared in the April 1972 (25th Anniversary) issue. It was also reprinted in National Lampoon Best of #1.

He did several other Bulgemobile pieces: “1934 Bulgemobile Brochure” from the May 1974 (50th Anniversary) issue, “The 1946 Bulgemobiles” from the April 1979 (April Fool) issue, and “The 1906 Bulge-Buggy” from the April 1975 (Car Sickness) issue. All of the Bulgemobile pieces were reprinted in “Zany Afternoons” (1982), a terrific collection of McCall’s work if you can find it. McCall also did a book in 2001 called “The Last Dream-O-Rama”, a supposed history of concept cars with the same kind of humor.

(That’s probably more info than you wanted. Sorry. I’m kind of a McCall nut.)

295. Nude Blonde in Subscription Ad

Q: There was a subscription ad featuring a nude blonde woman, I think in the ’70s, saying something like “if you subscribe, we’ll be able to get her clothes.” Which issue, and what was the name of the model?

A: That sounds familiar, but I couldn’t find the ad. I seriously doubt if the name of the model can be determined. It’s not the sort of thing they included in the credit info back then. In any case, if you, dear reader, know the answers to any of these questions, please post it in a comment.

294. Elke Sommer / Goat Story

Q: I’m looking for a story that had Elke Sommer in it and something about a goat.

A: June 1980 (Fresh Air) issue, “Big John’s Couch-Time Stories” by John Hughes.

293. “Such is the fate of wild poodles” Cartoon

Q: Looking for the issue of National Lampoon containing a cartoon with the caption “Such is the fate of wild poodles”.

A: It’s from “The Day the Animals Discovered Death” by Ed Bluestone, p.76 of the January 1973 (Death) issue. (Thanks to Steve for the answer!)

292. “Everybody get out of here! There’s a lobster loose!”

Q: Been trying for weeks to figure out the quote “everybody get outta here there’s a lobster loose” Websites say Bill Murray said it on the National Lampoon Radio Hour. But is it from a movie or show besides?

A: It was part of a bit called “Front Row Center” supposedly featuring a performance of Fyodor Dostoevsky’s play “The Idiot.” It was performed by Christopher Guest (as Roger DeSwans) and Bill Murray (as “the idiot”). The bit was originally broadcast on National Lampoon Radio Hour and was included on Gold Turkey: National Lampoon Radio Hour/Greatest Hits LP (still available on CD and MP3 from Amazon) and on the Rhino National Lampoon Radio Hour Boxed Set (although on there it’s titled “Classics of Contemporary Drama: The Idiot”).

I’ve heard or read somewhere that Murray was doing this lobster bit even before he was on the Radio Hour. He also did a variation of it on Saturday Night Live when he was part of the cast. I remember seeing it, but I don’t know exactly which episode.

291. S. Gross Tree and Birds’ Nest Cartoon

Q: This inquiry comes from an old college roommate of mine: “I’ve been looking for a single cartoon by S. Gross that depicted a tree talking to some birds building a nest on its branch. And the tree says something like: ‘Say, you guys aren’t Puerto Rican, are you?'”

A: It appears on the editorial page of the April 1973 (Prejudice) issue. (Thanks to John for the answer.)

290. Miracle World Series Catch

Q: Trying to find a black and white picture captioned “(somebody)’s miracle catch in the ’47 world series”. It was a picture of a baseball player making a catch about 40 feet in the air. It was so stupid and still cracks me up to this day thinking about it. Maybe one of the sports issues?

A: That was from “Doc Feeney’s Scrapbook of Sports Oddities” by Bruce McCall in the November 1973 (Sports) issue.

289. “Dynamite” Story

Q: I remember reading a story in Lampoon titled “Dynamite” I think. It was a story about a guy going out into the country to stay at a friend’s or maybe an uncle’s house. The story revolved around getting vert stoned and dealing with a Great Dane that shared the house with them that particular summer. The story culminated with a day of throwing dynamite off the porch, and one of sticks only made it about ten feet… Chaos and hilarity ensued.

A: “Dynamite”, by P.J. O’Rourke, appeared in the June 1980 (Fresh Air) issue.

288. Rand McNally Road Map Parody

Q: In 1973 or 1974 an issue included a very funny parody of a Rand McNally road map for something like Kanebraska or some such. It spread across two pages, possibly in the center of the magazine. I especially remember that one of the towns on the map was Schlongberg (Shlongberg? Shlongburg?).

A: Actually, it was a bit later than that: It was called “Road Map”, by P.J. O’Rourke and Alan Rose, and appeared in the August 1979 (Vacation!) issue. The fictional state was called “Minnebraska”, but there were other fake state names at the borders, such as Ohiowa, Indianois, Wissouri, Michitucky, and Pennsylconsin. And “Schlongburg” is the correct spelling.

287. “If Heterosexual Men Ran the Women’s Fashion Industry”

Q: What issue had the photo essay, “If straight men designed women’s clothes?”

A: The September 1978 (Style) issue. The actual title was “If Heterosexual Men Ran the Women’s Fashion Industry”.

286. A Cute Poem

Q: I remember a poem that went something like this:

(Something something) are modern poets a delight
They only write what they will read and only read what they will write.
And thus they resemble those certain rare birds
who drink their own pee and eat their own turds
…
and leave it to others what purpose is served.

A: The poem (titled “A Cute Poem”) is from the September 1979 (Fall Potpourri) issue, part of an article called “P.J.’s Potpourri”, by P.J. O’Rourke.

285. “My Mother the Dog”

Q: Does anyone remember a story titled something like “My Mother the Dog”? Probably from the late ’70s.

A: It was “A Dog Tale”, by John Hughes, from the March 1980 (Miscellany) issue. (Thanks to Dell for the answer.)

284. “Aunt Lolly’s Cookbook”

Q: I used to have a cookbook called “Aunt Lolly’s Cookbook”. I seem to remember it was published by National Lampoon. Ever heard of it?

A: You’re probably thinking of “Aunt Mary’s Cookbook” (1983) by M.K. Brown. Not published by the Lampoon, though. More info in the Comments link.

283. “Kit ‘n’ Kaboodle” Comic

Q: I remember in the ’70s they ran I think a few cartoons that were a lot like the “Itchy and Scratchy” segments that ran later on The Simpsons, all of them spoofs of the classic Tom and Jerry/Tweety and Sylvester cartoons. I’m looking for one in particular, where I think the cat runs through a doorway that was boobytrapped with a guillotine, which then cuts him in two and he yells, “My spine!”

A: Actually, it was “Bleecchh! … My spine!” and it was a single comic book parody, not “a few cartoons”. It was called “Kit ‘n’ Kaboodle” and was written by Brian McConnachie. I’ve heard Matt Groening has admitted that “Itchy and Scratchy” was partly inspired by it.

It first appeared in the June 1973 (Violence) issue, and was reprinted in the National Lampoon Best of 4 anthology (1974) and the National Lampoon Tenth Anniversary Anthology (1979). It’s also on the National Lampoon Complete DVD-ROM (available from Amazon).

282. “Home Cooking” Photo Spread

Q: I am looking for a spoof photo spread that looked like gourmet food, but was instead things like “roast leg of chair”, with all sorts of household (non-food) garnish and side dishes etc. It was very believable as food without a third look. Must have been early ’70s—maybe in the same issue with “A Thanksgiving Memory”, a raunchy tale where grandma’s boobs fell in the gravy, etc. Remember it?

A: Good memory. It’s exactly the issue you thought it was in—July 1974 (Dessert).

281. “Just One of Those Days”

Q: I remember an article I read in National Lampoon in 1980 or 1981 and am trying to find which issue. It was called “Another Day at the Office” I think. I remember the guy saying he had to call in an airstrike just to get a cab, It was a scream.

A: It was “Just One of Those Days” by P.J. O’Rourke from the May 1981 (Naked Ambition) issue.

280. “Put Your Hands on the Radio”

Q: Many years ago there was a very short radio bit spoofing some sort of radio
preacher. I vaguely remember the voice saying something like this; “Put your hands on the radio!” An electrical buzz/shocking sound followed with the voice asking if the listener could feel the “power” of his words. Very funny bit. Cant for the life of me recall if it was NL or another
source.

A: V. Collum Rogers says in the comments that this was from a cut called “The Gospel” on the 1973 Reprise LP “Sold for Prevention of Disease Only” by Wilderness Road, a comedy-rock-blues foursome from Chicago led by Warren Leming and Nate Herman. Dave Meredith, also in the comments, notes that Herman also wrote and performed the song “You Don’t Have to Look at Pictures on the Radio” which used as the intro music to National Lampoon Radio Hour during the O’Donoghue era. More info in the comments below.

279. “Whaffo you crappin’ in de snow?”

Q: There was a line in a Chris Miller story where a black maid (I think) discovers the hero pooping outdoors. Her line became an instant crack up for all of us 15 year olds at the time. She said “What for you crappin’ in da bushes?” I would love to re-read the story 35 years later. Any idea what story it was?

A: The line was actually “Whaffo you crappin’ in de snow?” and the character is described as being in the bushes. It was a story by Chris Miller called “Is It Still ‘Playing’ Post Office When the Mucilage Is Real and Covers Your Tongue?” from the June 1973 (Violence) issue.

278. Wheelchair High Dive

Q: I’m trying to remember what issue a photograph was in where a man in a wheelchair was diving off the high platform. Until next time about this and he was laughing really hard about. I’m sure was in the National Lampoon maybe the April 1976 issue, but I’m not sure.

A: It was the Harvard Lampoon Sports Illustrated Parody from 1974. The article was titled “Off the Deep End”.

277. Vikings’ Landing Before Columbus

Q: I remember an issue in the mid-seventies that had a single cartoon titled something like “Proof Vikings landed before Columbus” A great image of burly Vikings coming ashore in an Indian village and mounting everything (squaws, totem poles, canoes). I looked around and can’t find a reference to it.

A: It was the “Surprise Poster” in the May 1976 (Unwanted Foreigners) issue (page 90).

276. “Who burned the Chou?”

Q: I’m looking for article/ issue with the quote “Who burned the Chou?”

A: That was on the first page of “The National” section (the fake news section) in the March 1973 (In Like a Lion) issue.

275. “Pipe Dream”

Q: I’m trying to find a short story in which an spaceship runs out of fuel on earth. The aliens on board seek nickels for fuel and are willing to pay for it with a wonder creativity drug. Humans who ingest the drug have an explosion of creativity. The drug turns out to be alien fecal matter which led to the punchline: it was really good shit.

A: That was “Pipe Dream” by Chris Miller from the June 1972 (Science Fiction) issue.

274. ZZ Top as the Three Wise Men

Q: There was christmas story where ZZ Top were the 3 wise men, and it read like Bible verse. Any ideas?

A: No idea. If you, dear reader, know the answer, please post it in a comment.

273. Bucky Fuller Redesigns the Human Reproduction System

Q: Which issue that had a Buckminster Fuller diagram of the male and female parts?

A: That would be “Buckminster Fuller’s Repair Manual for the Entire Universe” from the January 1972 (Is Nothing Sacred?) issue.

272. “Roots” Reference in “Goobers”

Q: There was a cartoon parody of Peanuts as black kids called “Goobers” and had the characters tradiing some quip about the TV serial “Roots.”

A: Tip o’ the hat to John for finding it: August 1977 (Cheap Thrills) issue.

271. “El Rocketo de Ship”

Q: Which one is the one with the illegal aliens spoof, where there is a picture of some very clever illegal’s crossing the Rio Grande in a card board made space ship with NASA written on it. On the side is painted “El Rocketo de Ship”. Priceless!

A: Carol sez: “That’s from ‘Operation Torn Rubber’ in the June ’77 (I Got My Job Thru The…) issue. The Rocketo is an image that stayed with me for all those years between 1977 and 2009 when I got that issue again. The aliens also cross the border disguised as a trick water-skiing team.” Thanks again, Carol!

270. Test Pressing of “That’s Not Funny…”

Q: Any idea what an actual vinyl test pressing of “That’s Not Funny, That’s Sick” is worth as a collectible?

A: No idea. If you, dear reader, know the answer, please post it in a comment.

269. “The Battle of the Living Room”

Q: I am looking for a feature in the format of a multipage photo funny, a composition of photographs overlaid with comic dialogue balloons. It featured two boys staging a war between plastic army men of different nationalities inside a house. The battle took place on furniture and carpeted stairs, and the toy soldiers spoke some of the dialogue—in un-PC heavy dialects and accents, of course. One plastic soldier under torture on the spinning phonograph confessed, “Groan, groan… The Japs are hiding in the houseplants!”

A: It was “The Battle of the Living Room” by P.J. O’Rourke from the March 1977 (Science and Technology) issue.

268. “Forget it, no-legs” Cartoon

Q: In the early to mid 70’s there was an issue with a comic about returning veterans from Viet Nam, there was one panel where a blind guy asks a maimed guy if he would like to share a joint, the maimed guy says “Would I?” and the blind guy says “Well forget it no-legs.” What issue is this?

A: Natalie Lamp says: “…’Vietnam Vets’, a comic-book parody from the April ’82 (Failures) issue. The heroes are ‘vets’; ie veterinarians drafted to take care of war-traumatized animals in the Nam. The ‘would I?’/’no legs’ exchange occurs on a plane as these guys are coming home, but was over a liquor flask rather than a joint. And it was an old joke even in ’82.”

267. “Nixon Makes Big Stink in Russia”

Q: Sometime in the early 1970s, Richard Nixon made a trip to the Soviet Union. National Lampoon did a spoof on the visit. What I remember is either a picture of Nixon in a kitchen, washroom or near a bathroom. The headline read “Nixon Makes Big Stink In Russia”. I believe there were bubble captions on Russians saying “Who farted?” and “Old Russian proverb—make no difference if water fresh or salt, shit still float”.

A: I think Steve got it: “Nixon Causes Stink in Paris” (The audience is saying “Who farted?” in 22 different languages.)—“News on the March”, June 1974 (Food) issue. Or maybe Wendy got it: “I’m not so sure… The June ’72 (Science Fiction) issue might be the one. ‘News on the March’ has an old news pic of Nixon (as Veep) examining a laundry display—one washing machine and two packets of detergent—amid a crowd of Russians. Nobody is saying “Who farted?” but Nixon’s thinking: ‘Next time I come here I’ll be President.’ Brezhnev is thinking: ‘Next time he comes here I’ll be Premier’, and that slapheaded commie who wasn’t allowed in Disneyland (his name eludes me) is mulling over the old Russian proverb.”

266. Christmas Letter Parody

Q: Many years ago the Lampoon published a parody of a Christmas letter which is the best thing of it’s kind that I’ve ever seen. This was during a time when many people enclosed a letter in their Christmas card telling the reader what a great year they and their kids and other family members had – in short, it was all about bragging about how well they were all doing. Letters of this kind were often over the top and I, for one, got sick of this kind of “showing off”. The Lampoon did a magnificient job of parodying this kind of thing and I have been forever grateful for the job they did.

A: National Lampoon doesn’t appear to have run anything like that, but it may have been in Mad. See the Comments link for more about this.

265. Trick Sound Effects Cassette

Q: Do you know of a NL cassette tape in the late ’70s/early ’80s of sound effect tricks to play in the car for unsuspecting passengers? It seems to have included farts and explosions, a fake news story about an invasion. It came in what looked like a suitcase w/handle, dark brown with road signs or city name stickers (something to do with traveling).

A: It was “The Official National Lampoon Car Stereo Test and Demonstration Kit” which came out in 1980 in cassette format. An ad for it appears on the July 1980 issue. More info in the Comments link. (Thanks to Duane, Michael, and Dave for helping to answer this question.)

264. “Alleged Assassin” Rodrigues Cartoon

Q: I am looking for a hilarious Charles Rodrigues cartoon. It shows a crazy guy with a gun shooting a judge in his courtroom point blank through the head with the caption: “Alleged assassin”. A spoof on journalists that is spot on!

A: It appeared in the August 1972 (Miracle of Democracy) issue. The article was called “Ass Ass In”. (Thanks again, Carol!)

263. Magic Tricks for Kids

Q: Which issue featured an illustrated how-to instruction guide for kids—how to do magic tricks at home, or maybe how to be a wizard. The first trick was “The Magic Wand of Water”, and another was a gender transformation which entailed wearing articles of clothing found in your parents’ dresser drawers.

A: Lorac sez: “The article you want is ‘A Kid’s Guide to Home Sorcery’ by Ron Barrett, in the Jan ’82 (Sword and Sorcery) issue. I have often inscribed the curse: ‘Fink You, Nutbrain!’ on paper-towel rolls.” Thanks, Lorac!

262. Knights of the Mystic Assholes

Q: I have for over twenty years sought the ad for a once great club where one could only be inducted by another person rightfully named “Knights of the Mystic Assholes”. I am a member in good standing after all of these years and was inducted back in the late eighties by my friend but unfortunately my wall plaque and credentials were lost long ago making any acclaimation of membership to someone now draw little more than a blank stare and a change of subject.

A: It was a fake real ad in the June 1986 (Horror and Fantasy) issue.

261. Philosophy Bush

Q: There was an amazing article with drawings that categorized women based on the amount of pubic hair. Other physical features may have been discussed.

A: The article was “How to Tell What Girls Look Like Under Their Clothes”, by John Hughes, illustrated by Trina Robbins, from the November 1978 (The Body) issue.

260. “Civil War Between the Negroes and the Jews”

Q: I recall a comic book insert entitled something along the lines of “The Civil War Between The Negroes And The Jews.” I think it was in the Unwanted Foreigners issue. But I can’t find any reference to such a item. And a copy of Unwanted Foreigners I recently checked did not include it. Can you shed any light on the topic?

A: “Civil War Between the Negroes and the Jews” appeared in the January 1980 (Fantasy) issue.

259. California Hot Tub Rectal Gonorrhea

Q: We are pretty sure California Hot Tub Rectal Gonorrhea was on one of the NatLamp albums but we can’t figure out which one. We’re hoping you know. Aside from the vinyl is there any medium we might be able to get this on?

A: That was on The National Lampoon White Album (1980).

258. Bruce McCall’s Real Ad Work

Q: In what old magazines would I find Bruce McCall’s genuine illustrated advertisements? I heard that he painted ads for Mercedes before he joined the Poon.

A: That’s a really good question, but I don’t know the answer. I would love to see them, too. If you, dear reader, know the answer, please post it in a comment.

257. “Buried Treasure” Appleton’s Strip

Q: Hi, I’m trying to locate an episode of The Appletons where Mr. Appleton led his kids to the kitty litter box and had them search for buried treasures. I may have been part of an Easter Egg Hunt. What a cruel man….

A: Sandi Sprinkler comes through: “It was Halloween, not Easter. The October ’79 (Comedy) issue, to be precise.” More info about it in the Comments link below.

256. “Suck-a-duck, the hard canard, tube-steak suppositories and foaming beef enema”

Q: I’m trying to remember in which issue there was an article about sex that referred to such things as; “Suck-a duck, the hard canard, tube-steak suppositories and foaming beef enema”, etc… I think it may have been late ’70s to early ’80s.

A: Carol suggests the “Travellers’ Aid” section of the August ’79 (Vacation!) issue. Seems close enough to me.

255. “Joe and His Dead Friend” Comic Strip

Q: There was a comic strip series about a guy and his dead friend—Joe I think? That was the best. What was the name of the artist and do you know where I can go to see the entire series?

A: Steve found it: “Ray and Joe—The Story of a Man and his Dead Friend,” by Rodriguez in the Jan. 1984 (Time Parody) issue, p. 82. Thanks, Steve!

254. Photo of Viscount H. Goatlips

Q: I am looking for a photo of Viscount H. Goatlips, who appeared in several issues of National Lampoon in the early 1980s. Can you help?

A: No, but if you, dear reader, know the answer, please post it in a comment.

253. “Discretion Is Our Watch-Word” Aesop Bros. Strip

Q: Do you recall which issue had the Aesop Brothers strip in which they’d hung out their shingle as private detectives? I remember one panel that had a sign on top of their car with the line, “Discretion Is Our Watch-Word.”

A: I do, but I don’t know which issue. If you, dear reader, know the answer, please post it in a comment.

252. “The Spy Who Wore Nothing”

Q: I seem to remember a story about a nerdy kid that is visited in the night by a naked woman who then takes him to meet other naked women, they have all kinds of sex and they make him some sort of spy. Then they go back to his high school and shoot terrorists. I think in the story that a hot girl comes up and says “I think you’re really cool”, then he says “Fuck off, slut”. Ring a bell?

A: Never read it, but it was pretty easy to find by doing a text search of “fuck off, slut” on the National Lampoon Complete DVD. It was a piece by John Hughes, one of his regular “Big John’s Couch-Time Stories for Men” columns, called “The Spy Who Wore Nothing”, from the August 1980 (Anxiety) issue.

251. TF (Terminal Flatulence) Ads

Q: Which mid-’70s issue had a spoof add about the TF (Terminal Flatulence) Foundation of America? Started with a letter from Kate Smith (Honorary Chairperson).

A: It was the May 1979 (Medicine) issue. The spoof ads ran throughout the issue.

250. “Match the Tits with the Ass” Game

Q: There was a fun pictorial game that appeared in National Lampoon magazine only once. The game was entitled “Match the Tits with the Ass”óor words to that effect. The game featured four to six photos, each of a pair of naked female breasts. Opposite were four to six photos of naked rear ends. To play the game, the reader had to identify which pair of breasts and which rear end belonged to the same person and then draw a line between the matching photos. Hours of fun and amusement! Do you know which issue had the game?

A: That appeared on page 45 of the January 1981 (Excess) issue of National Lampoon. (Thanks to Mr. Magoo, who posed this question, for finding the answer.)

249. Fantasy Beatles Interview

Q: A long time ago I think they wrote a funny article (spoof interview maybe) on the Beatles. All I remember is something vaguely about asking John Lennon if during a concert he fantasized of swinging on a trapeze and fucking all the girls or something like that. I remember it being hilarious. Do you know what article that was from?

A: That was a piece called “Beat the Meatles” by Chris Miller from the October 1977 (Beatles) issue. It also appeared in the March 1985 (Best of 15 Years) issue, which is a good thing since a page of it is missing in the scan of the 1977 issue that appears on the National Lampoon Complete [sic] DVD-ROM.

248. “The Spy With The Biggest Penis You Ever Saw In Your Life”

Q: I’m trying to locate a great one-page poster parody called ‘The Spy with the Biggest Penis You’ve Ever Seen in Your Life’ or something very similar to that. Obviously a James Bond parody. I’m amazed that this hasn’t cropped up on the internet as it’s just the sort of thing to go huge (so to speak). Anyway, I had that issue as a kid and of course when I moved to college my mom threw out all of my National Lampoon issues. This could have been as late as 1978, though I’m thinking earlier.

A: It was called “The Spy With The Biggest Penis You Ever Saw In Your Life” and appeared in the February 1977 (JFK Grand Fifth Term Inaugural) issue.

247. Animal House Ad with Photo

Q: Do you know which edition, or editions, of National Lampoon carried the ad for Animal House that had a picture of all of the Deltas giving the photographer the finger, with a caption that said something like, “We can do anything we want. We’re college students.” I’m pretty sure it ran in the spring of 1978 but I’m wondering if you can name the exact edition.

A: The photo appears in ads in the April 1978 (Spring Cleaning), May 1978 (Families), June 1978 (Wild West), July 1978 (100th Anniversary) and September 1978 (Style) issues. Most have the “We can do anything we want” headline, but not all.

246. Funny Old (Real) Ads

Q: Could you tell me where I could find some images or scans of some of the ads/classified ads from in the back of some of the issues from anywhere between 1978 and 1983? I was looking for ads that sold t-shirts and bumper stickers, and they had some big long lists of some of the funniest stuff I ever read. And it got me to thinking about some of the other ads and I was reallly wanting to see them again. All I ever can find when searchin the web are covers and I really don’t have any problem remembering them.

A: I would recommend the National Lampoon Complete DVD-ROM, which as far as I know is still available from Amazon, and for under $15. [2017 update: Well, it used to be cheap. They must be getting scarce—the price is going through the roof lately.—Mark] It contains scans of all the regular monthly issues of the magazine, including all the ads.

245. Joke About “The Shadow”

Q: Maybe you can help find me the answer to a National Lampoon question I’ve been searching for some time now. I’ve just about exhausted every other avenue. I recall at the end of a comic-book parody in the early ’70s, there was a one-panel joke about the Shadow, a man who could cloud minds—not others’ but his own. The drawing (Neal Adams? Frank Springer?) showed him bumping into a table saying, “Excuse me, my mind’s so clouded…” I’m in the midst of a long-running argument with someone who claims he invented that line (some 15 years later) and that that was NEVER in the NatLamp. If you can point me to that, I can finally gain my revenge and you shall have my undying gratitude (FWIW).

A: Will in the Comments comes to the rescue: It’s on the last page of the “Tarzan of the Cows” comic book parody from the April 1971 (Adventure) issue.

244. Live Show Cast 1975 or 1976

Q: The live touring show came to my college (SUNY Morrisville, NY) in either 1975 or 1976. I saw the show and want to know who the performers were on the bill at that show.

A: Daniel says in the Comments: “According to Matty Simmons’ book, If You Don’t Buy This Book We’ll Kill This Dog, the National Lampoon Show cast was originally comprised of Harold Ramis, Brian Doyle-Murray, Bill Murray, John Belushi, Gilda Radner, and Joe Flaherty. Belushi was later replaced by Meatloaf, and Radner was later replaced by Mimi Kennedy and Ellen Foley. Later cast members included: Jim Hosbein, Barry Diamond and Larry Dilg. The Show closed in 1975.” Thanks, Daniel!

243. Where To Find Rocks

Q: My geology professor made a comment about an article from an old issue of your magazine. I am unsure of the spelling, but it was five places you could find rocks. One of the answers was “In Mrs. Kuputziaks’ backyard”. Can you find this article or tell me how to spell this lady’s name?

A: That was from a piece called “National Science Fair Projects” by Brian McConnachie and Henry Beard which appeared in the July 1973 (Modern Times) issue. (Thanks to Ann for answering this.) More info in the Comments link.

242. Christopher Rush Demo Record Insert

Q: I seem to remember an issue that had a sample recording of Chris Rush attached to the inside of an issue. Do you know which issue this was in?

A: Well, I remember ads for Christopher Rush, but I don’t remember getting a sample recording in any issue I had. Maybe it was included in some copies, but not the ones I got. In any case, Ann (in the Comments) says it was in the July 1973 (Modern Times) issue, page 73.

241. Maxfield Parrish Parody/Cartoon

Q: I recall a beautiful three-panel cartoon done in a Maxfield Parrish style called “Who Dropped the Orange on the Fairy?”

A: Don’t remember that one. Duane in the Comments says it might be from the Harvard Lampoon. If you, dear reader, know the answer, please post it in a comment.

240. “Ascent of Man” Evolutionary Chart

Q: I am looking for an early illustration entitled “The Ascent of Man” or some such depicting all of the races and ethnicities as a taxonomic family tree. I recall it was the centerfold for that early 70’s issue.

A: It was a piece called “Schlockly Theory: Evolutionary Development in the Primate Order” from the January 1974 (Animals) issue.

239. “Pud’s Last Tune”

Q: Back in the ’70s there was a poem in Lampoon. I believe it was called “Pug’s last tune”. Anyway, the refrain was, “let’s whoop really good on the kids. / My wife she’s not brainy her looks there a curse. / Her cookin is awful her houskeepings worse / but when she gets home at night she’s a terror to behold. / with a hairbrush or paddle theres no one so bold / and I’ll get my kicks with a sawed off cue stick / and you’ll grab an iron stone lid. / let’s get out the switches and pull down their britches / and whoop really good on the kids.’ That’s all I can remember. I’ve looked all over the internet for it but can’t find it. Maybe you can.

A: It was in an article called “Pud’s Last Tune” which was part of a magazine parody called “Pickers ‘n’ Kickers” from the July 1976 (Down Home) issue.

238. Pupu Platter Story

Q: I’m looking for the story that was probably written in the late ’70s or early ’80s in the National Lampoon and I believe the title was something like “No One Here Gets Out Until That Pupu Platter is Paid For.” Any idea what issue that was in?

A: It was in the June 1983 (Adults Only!) issue. The exact title was “Nobody Gets Out of Here Before that Pupu Platter is Paid For”, by Kevin Curran.

237. 747 Jet Pilot Home Correspondence Course

Q: I have a friend (Dave) who is trying to find a particular old issue and like, most now “older” folks he cannot remember much about that issue he had read so many years ago, except he says that he remembers he read an article in that issue that was comical about “pilots learning to fly jet planes, right here at home!”. Dave thinks that was so prophetic considering what later happened at 9/11. So, I guess my question is: Is there an issue with such an article in it? and what issue would that be?

A: That was “Krash Course” by P.J. O’Rourke and Michael O’Donoghue from the National Lampoon Encyclopedia of Humor (1973) (page 73).

236. “A Sporting Wager at the Middle Management Club”

Q: I read—and enjoyed—a Nat Lampoon story (back in the 1980s, but it might have been in an older issue) about A Sporting Wager at the Middle Management Club… or was it a Gentleman’s Wager? It was about traveling around the world—a take off on the old idea of Around the World In Eighty Days—only today with air travel and so on it was not the transport but the borders that were the challenge. So one of the characters is charged with traveling around the world with lots of potential contraband in his luggage: a baby kangaroo, a Douglass fir tree, men’s magazines, prescription drugs, etc. Hilarity ensues and so on…
Does that ring a bell? Am I going mad?

A: The info you provided made it pretty easy to find when I did a text search of the National Lampoon Complete DVD-ROM: It was “A Sporting Wager at the Middle Management Club” by Ted Mann from the May 1981 (Naked Ambition) issue. (Coincidentally enough, this story had a character with the name “S.W. Goatlips IV”, which just came up a couple questions ago.)

235. “Olga Korbut Had My Baby”

Q: I’ve been dying to get my hands on Tod Carroll’s story “I Fucked Olga Korbut”. Would you know what issue it was in?

A: The piece was called “Olga Korbut Had My Baby” and it appeared in the November 1980 (Thanksgiving) issue.

234. Viscount H. Goatlips II and Vengeance Editorial

Q: I am looking for a saying from a letter sent in by Viscount H. Goatlips III, it started something like this: “Vengeance (revenge?) lends a rationale of chancery justice…” I am not sure about the above but would love to get the original version. It would have come from the late ’70s

A: The text is from the editorial in the April 1980 (Vengeance) issue. There’s no reference to “Viscount H. Goatlips” in that article, but there is a tiny reference to “Mr. S. W. Goatlips” in a fake ad in that same issue. However, the issue after that, the May 1976 (Sex Roles) issue, has a parody of a Victorian sex manual called “Sexual Health” by a “Dr. Viscount H. Goatlips II”. I think you’ve somehow combined the two in your memory.

By the way, to dig this stuff up, I did a text search of the National Lampoon Complete DVD, and the name “Goatlips” appears in several issues in the early Eighties. I guess it was a favorite “funny name” of the editors around that time.

233. “Would You Like My Cherry” Poster

Q: I recall an ad for a poster that was available from NL, or at least I think it was NL, and it had a beautiful young woman, wearing a skimpy cheerleaders outfit, and holding a cherry, and I believe the caption was…”Would you like my cherry”…or something to that effect. Do you know what issues those posters were available in? Or where I might find one of those posters?

A: It sounds a lot like the October 1974 (Pubescence) issue cover, but there wasn’t any caption on that and they never sold it as a poster, as far as I know. Correction: There was a poster of the cover issued in 1978. See the comments for more info. (Tip o’ the hat to The Lampoon Oracle.)

232. Early American Fuck Art

Q: I’m trying to find a feature that I think appeared in “The Gentleman’s Bathroom Companion II” but which I’m assuming had appeared in an earlier National Lampoon issue. It was a parody of folk/primitive/colonial American art, with the example that stands out in my memory being a photo of a needlework sampler (the kind that usually say “Home Sweet Home,” etc) reading “Roses Are Red, Violets Are Blue, I’ll Fuck Anyone In This Goddamn Bore-Ass Town” or something along those lines. Do you know what the title of the piece was/which issue it initially appeared in?

A: It was called “Early American Fuck Art” and first appeared in the August 1976 (Compulsory Summer Sex) issue. By the looks of it, I think it may have been done for the 199th Birthday Book, but maybe there wasn’t room for it or something.

231. Ice Cream Vendor Cartoon

Q: I’m looking for an image of the S. Gross cartoon of a very dour ice cream vendor standing at his cart. A sign on the cart says “Adolph’s One Flavor: take it or leave it!” Can’t seem to find this online. Maybe I’m the only one who remembers it as funny.

A: Carol comes through again: “It ain’t Sam, it’s Charlie! That is, it’s Rodrigues, not Gross. The fascistic icecream man appears in ‘Entrepreneurs’ by Rodrigues, in the Dec. ’75 (Money) issue. It was reprinted in Best Of #7.”

230. “Fred” Magazine

Q: There was a feature (in an issue that parodied niche magazines) about a magazine for people named Fred. (The nomenclature on a T-shirt ad in this piece was “Better Fred Than Dead”). Can you please tell me what issue this was in?

A: Carol does it again: “A book titled ‘The Eighties; A Look Back’ was published in 1979 by a whole lot of artists and writers, mostly associated with the ‘Poon. In the middle of this tome are several short magazine parodies, and one of them is ‘Fred’. The author’s name is Jeremy Wolff.” I knew I’d seen it somewhere, but not in National Lampoon.

229. “Hoots & Toots”

Q: Don’t know if this was in National Lampoon but I remember reading a strip about “Hoots & Toots” in a humor magazine. They were a couple from another planet who had been transported to our planet through a radio. The one line I remember is when they came to earth one said to the other “I don’t think we’re in Kansas anymore” and the radio repair guy says “Yeah you don’t sound anything like Kansas.” I think he then became their agent because they were musicians. Ring any bells?

A: If you, dear reader, know the answer, please post it in a comment.

228. Humpback Whale Poem

Q: I’m looking for a humpback whale poem that appeared in the magazine: “I’m a whale, I’m a whale, and I swim with a humpback motion, and I can spend all day and night on the bottom of the ocean.”

A: It appeared in the January 1974 (Animals) issue in “The Humpback Whale Official Songbook” by Sean Kelly and Brian McConnachie. (Thanks to Dell for answering this.)

227. “Ten risky things to do with your penis.”

Q: I’m looking for an article called something like “Ten risky things to do with your penis.”

A: It was “Ten Risky Things To Do With Your Cock” is part of ‘John & Gerry’s Potpourri of Danger, Risk, and Daring-Do’ in the March ’79 (Chance) issue. More info in the Comments link. (Tip of the hat to Carol for coming through with the answer once again.)

226. Kent State Playset Ad

Q: Someone told me about National Lampoon running an advertisement selling a Kent State Playset that came with 10 plastic national guardsmen shooting, 10 guardsmen running, 4 dead students, 1 student kneeling, a box that doubles as an ROTC building etc. What issue was this in?

A: It was a fake ad in the comic book parody “G. Gordon Liddy, Agent of C.R.E.E.P.” from the October 1973 (Banana) issue. (Thanks to Dell for answering this.)

225. “Ka-Si Atta Bat”

Q: I am trying to find a copy of a hilarious parody of the classic baseball poem “Mighty Casey at the Bat” in which our hero is sent to japan to play in the Japanese baseball league. It appeared in National Lampoon and was authored by Sean Kelly and illustrated I believe by Rick Meyerwitz? I even can recall the opening stanzas of this hilarious parody:

Not brilliant was the outlook for the Yokahama Prawn
The score stood four to two with eight and one-half inning gone
But the Fans loved Basa Boru and so in the Stands they sat
And waited for one last chance to see mighty Kasi atta batt.
Go Nagasaki goldfish, Yokahama Prawn Hurrah,
“Hot Saki here, cold Kiren, Sushi, get it while it’s raw….

A: “Ka-Si Atta Bat” appeared in the July 1982 (Sports) issue.

224. 23 Ways to Be Offensive at the Funeral of Someone You Didn’t Like

Q: Sometime in the early 70s I recall a feature in National Lampoon that was title, something to the effect of, 101 Things To Say At The Funeral Of Someone You Hated. I would love to have even a photocopy. Are you familiar with it? Any idea where I might find it?

A: Close: “23 Ways to Be Offensive at the Funeral of Someone You Didn’t Like”, by Ed Bluestone, appeared in the January 1973 (Death) issue.

223. Sculpted Afro Haircuts

Q: My mom and I saw a black gentleman today with a black furry newsboy-type hat that blended so perfectly with his hair that we thought it was a haircut at first. When we figured out it was just a hat he laughed and he seemed to be used to this reaction. It reminded me of a Lampoon article from about when fades started being popular. Specifically, there was one haircut called “The Reggie” that was an Afro cut to look like a baseball cap. Which issue?

A: Dell says: “September 1978 (Style) Issue.” Thanks, Dell!

222. “Paco Rabinowitz” Ad

Q: In an issue of National Lampoon once upon a time I saw the following parody on the then Paco Rabanne ad campaign (“What’s unconventional is up to you”), for “Paco Rabinowitz” that showed a Chassidic-looking guy wearing a towel, talking on the phone, and the tag line was: Paco Rabinowitz: for the Orthodox Man. What’s unorthodox is up to you.” Could you tell me which NatLamp issue that was in? I’ve got the complete archive on DVD, so I’d like to look it up.

A: March 1984 (The Sixties Greatest Hits) issue.

221. Halloween Pranks and Babysitter Terrorizer

Q: Hi. I’m looking for two things. The first is an issue of the mag that had halloween pranks. i.e. putting a dummy on a bike with a pumpkin head and pushing it in front of cars. Another story was this kid terrorizing his babysitter. I think the same issue had an advertisement for the ‘Dead Roadside Animal Identification Book’. The other is an article titled some thing like “Foreigners: What makes them mad and what they’ll do.”

A: Mrs. Roistacher provides an answer for the first part: “The pumpkinhead dummy and the babysitter stories are from ‘Halloween Rampage’ by John Hughes, in the Oct ’80 (Aggression) issue.”

As for the rest, The Lampoon Oracle tells all: November 1980 (Happy Thanksgiving) issue, an article titled “World Aggression” by Nora Quinn and John Hughes.

220. Mailman Cartoon

Q: I’m trying to find an issue of National Lampoon with a cartoon of a mailman scaling a mountain-sized naked woman. It’s at the beginning of a story about a mailman who gets seduced by a woman on his route. I think the cartoon might be in the May 1974 issue ( with a story called “Cock Tales”) or the Feb 1974 issue (possibly with a story called “Strange Sex We Have Known”). Anybody know for sure?

A: It was the illustration for a story by Chris Miller called “Is It Still ‘Playing’ Post Office When the Mucilage Is Real and Covers Your Tongue?” from the June 1973 (Violence) issue.

219. Sgt. Rock / Corps of Engineers Parody

Q: Do you know of a mid ’70s issue that had a parody of the Sgt. Rock comics? It featured a Sgt. Silt of the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers where they try and build a canal in the everglades.

A: Carol sez: “Sgt. Silt appeared in ‘A.C.E. Comics’ which was part of NL‘s ‘199th Birthday Book’ special in ’75. There’s no art credit, but it looks like Ralph Reese’s work. ‘Look out Sarge! Behind that Indian – A TREE!!'” Thanks, Carol!

218. The Joys of Wife-Tasting

Q: I have a very large collection of Lampoons and can actually remember most of the items in them. Was searching for one recently, regarding ‘tasting the women of bordeux’ or sampling or something like that. Apparenty I do not have it, but can recall the segment. Very naughty, but great.

A: You’re probably thinking of “The Joys of Wife-Tasting” from the June 1974 (Food) issue.

217. “Like a thunderbold, he farts.”

Q: It seems to me there was a peom in National Lampoon that ended with the line, “And like a thunderbolt he farted.” Do you know anything about that, and where I can geta copy of it?

A: Thanks to the magic of OCR’d PDF (from the National Lampoon Complete DVD-ROM), it was easy to find with a text search:

Sirs:
He clasps the crag with crooked hands;
Close to the earth in lonely lands,
Ringed with the azure world, he stands.
The wrinkled sea beneath him crawls;
He watches from the mountain walls,
And like a thunderbolt, he farts.
—Al Tennyson
Westminster Abbey
London, England

It appeared in the Letters section of the January 1974 (Animals) issue. Several subsequent letters on the same page make reference to it as well, arguing whether it is really “farts” or “falls” and so on.

216. Comic With Poppin’ Fresh, Speedy Alka Seltzer, and Michelin Man

Q: Do you know the issue that had a 2 page comic featuring Poppin’ Fresh, Speedy Alkaseltzer, and perhaps The Michelin Man on a crazy road trip? Speedy was drinking a bottle of beer through his eye-hole. It was from the mid-70s. Thanx!

A: That was called “Heading for Trouble” and appeared in the National Lampoon Encyclopedia of Humor (1973). It’s listed as “P.S.A.” in the contents page (under “P”). It was written by Brian McConnachie and illustrated by Francis Hollidge.

215. Afro Surprise Poster

Q: There was a Lampoon cover with a woman with a huge bush and pit hair. It was like she had three Angela Davis ‘fros poking out. Do you recall which it was?

A: Not a cover, but “Surprise Poster #3” from the February 1973 (Sexual Frustration) issue.

214. Bazooka Joe Around the World Parody

Q: What issue contained a two page editorial surrounded by Bazooka Joe cartoons from around the world?

A: It appeared in the October ’79 (Comedy) issue. The artist was Ron Barrett.

213. June 1975 Cover Date Error

Q: I have two issues that are identical except for inside front cover ad, and the date on the cover. One says June 1974 the other says June 1975. What’s up with these two issues?

A: Both issues are for June 1975. About half the copies had the wrong year on the cover. They caught it before they were all printed. In general, the subscribers got the one with the “1974”, while the “1975” issues went to newsstands and stores. I never noticed that the ad on the inside front cover was also changed. I don’t know what the story with that is. I used to work in the magazine biz. I think it’s possible they had different rates for newsstand and subscription sales, hence different editions printed with a few ads swapped out.

212. Common Drugs and the Fantasies They Produce

Q: I was hoping to find out which issue (I think it as from the mid ’70s) featured a chart or grid that showed the affects of using two drugs at the same time. The grid had columns and rows in which each drug had its own heading. There was short scenarios on the grid where two drugs intersected.

A: It was in the January 1980 (Fantasy) issue. The title was “Common Drugs and the Fantasies They Produce” and was written by Tod Carroll.

211. Growing Older Comics

Q: I am trying to locate one Ed Subitzky piece called “Getting Older Comics” but cannot remember the year or the issue.

A: That would be “Growing Older Comics” from the July 1978 (100th Anniversary) issue.

210. Great Works in One Sentence

Q: Who was responsible for re-writing great works of fiction in one sentence? I recall the Bible was condensed to: God creates man then gets mad at him for everything he does. When did it appear in the Lampoon?

A: Debbie sez: “‘Kondensed Kliff’s Notes’ by Ed Subitzky and Larry Sloman, in the Oct ’86 (Back to School) issue.”

209. Crackers Jackoff

Q: I’m trying to locate the lampoon issue that featured a gay Russian sailor who demonstrated various hand signals used by sailors for different types of homosexual sex. I think he was a cartoon character. And I think his name was Crackers Jackoff. Does it ring a bell?

A: The definitive answer, again from Carol: “The January ’85 (Good Clean Sex) issue had an article by Derek Pell entitled ‘Dr Bey’s Carnal Freak Show’, with art collaged from oldtime engravings. One of the performers is a sailor-suited Lithuanian lad called Crackers Jackov aka The Amazing Mental Masturboy; ‘an awesome demonstration of mind over member’.”

208. Berni Wrightson Comic

Q: I’m looking for information about a Wrightson story, I saw a page on the back of a National Lampoon promo trading card with no info about where it was published, I didn’t find any reference of it in the National Lampoon pages on your site, or even in the Wrightson index, or any other USA publication, but I found that it was published in a French publication (“Echo des Savanes Special USA”). Here is scan of the trading card back. Do you know if it was published in National Lampoon?

A: Yes, it was: “Love Under Laboratory Conditions”, by Tedd Mann and Blaine Schlosser, illustrated by Berni Wrightson, appeared in the November 1979 (Love) issue.

207. “Boy’s Wrath” Story

Q: I am looking for a short story from late ’70s, early ’80s called “Boy’s Wrath”. Not sure if it was by O’Rourke or Hughes.

A: The title, “Boy’s Wrath”, is correct. It appeared in the April 1980 (Vengeance) issue and was written by John Hughes.

206. Rolling Stones Album Parody

Q: I’m trying to find the edition that had a parody of various Rolling Stones songs. Some of the “songs” were “Dark Meat” for Brown Sugar;” Flatulent Girl” for Factory Girl, and “I Got the Reds” for I’ve got the Blues. I think it was called “Rim Shot” or “Ram Shot”.

A: The piece was called “Rim Shot” and appeared in the October 1972 (Remember Those Fabulous Sixites?) issue.

205. Worm Trainer Comic

Q: Do you know where I can find a little cartoon I loved a long time ago? It’s a circus lion tamer dude but he’s training giant worms and one worm is being reprimanded, “No donuts for Shirley!”

A: Sure, I remember that one. It was a cartoon by M.K. Brown called “Russ de la Rocca—Worm Trainer of the Americas”. It appeared in the Funny Pages section of the September 1972 (Boredom) issue. It was also reprinted in the special issue National Lampoon Comics (1975).

204. “You May Already Be a Wiener!”

Q: I remember a single-panel cartoon, which may have appeared on a NL subscription renewal notice rather than in the magazine. A hot dog is standing by a mailbox, reading mail, specifically a flyer that reads, “You may already be a wiener!” Ring any bells?

A: It was used frequently on subscription cards in the magazine in the early seventies. It was by cartoonist Charles Barsotti. He features it prominently on his website (in a slightly more neatly drawn form): http://www.barsotti.com/fbelly1.html [Update: Barsotti’s site appears to have expired, so I’ve changed the link so it goes to an archive of the page on the Internet Wayback Machine.]

203. Getting Ahead in Business

Q: There was a story I remember where I believe they were talking about how to give an executive “bj”. I remember drawings showing a guy in a suit under the conference room table doing so and also with his hand outreached servicing another member of the management team. Very funny pre-Dilbert type corporate management satire. I am dying to find that issue and article and pictures. I find these people in business more often than some would believe! Any ideas?

A: “The National Lampoon Guide to Effective Salesmanship” by Tony Hendra and Gerald Sussman. It appeared in the December 1975 (Money) issue.

202. Waking-Up-As-a-Kid-Again Story

Q: I remember a story about a man who wakes up to find himself as a boy again, back in time, but he has retained all of his adult experiences. Needless to say, this works out to his advantage as a child. Does this story line ring a bell? I’m pretty sure it was in a NL issue, do you know which one?

A: The story was “Going Back”, By Michel Choquette and Anne Beatts, and appeared in the October 1971 (Back to School) issue.

201. Bluesman Cartoon Story

Q: Year and years and years ago (30?) I believe I read an incredibly funny comic story in National Lampoon about a white guy trying to document a black bluesman’s life. The charactitures were in the style of R. Crumb. I believe the white guy basically finances a black bluesman’s final party and they travel the back woods of the true down and very dirty bluesman lifestyle. There was one very funny part about the two being hung over and heading to a BBQ place where an order of “Snoots” is brought out. The Snoots is a Pigs Nose smothered in BBQ sauce.

A: According to Michael: “This was not fiction from the Poon, but a true short story written by the late, great guitarist Mike Bloomfield about his youthful adventures with the much older bluesman Big Joe Williams. It originally ran in High Times when Larry ‘Ratso’ Sloman was editor and was later published as a small book called Me & Big Joe. Ratso was later Executive Editor of the Lampoon. The illustrations were indeed by Robert Crumb.” Thanks for clearing that up, Michael.

200. Gay Charles Atlas Ad Parody

Q: Do you know what issue or where I can find the spoof ad of “the insult that made a man out of Mac?” The parody comic starts the same as the original until Mac returns to the beach. Rather than punching the bully, he kicks him in the junk. Mac seems to feel sorry for the bully and they start to bond. With the girl friend looking on in disgust, they begin to develop a gay attraction. The closing scene is Mac and the bully embracing on the beach in the sunset. I’m almost sure this was a Lampoon parody.

A: They did do a few parodies of those ads, but I’m not remembering this one. If you, dear reader, know the answer, please post it in a comment.

199. Washington Senators

Q: I’ve been looking for the story about how Congress passed a law to improve baseball in Washington by giving all of the best players to the Senators (this was back in the early to mid-1970s). Guys like Willie Mays, Hank Aaron, etc. were “traded” to the Senators and the team ended up winning 161 games and losing none, but had 1 game rained out.

A: It was the “1977 Washington Senators Yearbook” from the February 1977 (Grand Fifth Term Inaugural) issue. That was the issue that imagined what the world would be like if JFK hadn’t been assassinated.

198. Why Are You So Dumb? Or Are You Just Lazy?

Q: Hey, Mark, how come you never seem to know the answers to any questions? Except for the older ones, it seems like you’re too stupid or lazy to answer questions yourself anymore.

A: It’s not that I never know the answers, I’ve just been too lazy to post them when I do. Instead, I just email the answer back. For years, I’ve only posted the ones I don’t know.

No more. I’ve decided to stop doing that. From now on, I will post all questions here, not just the ones I don’t know. That way, everyone can benefit from the useless information lodged in my brain, not just the lucky emailer. This doesn’t let Carol off the hook (thanks, Carol!), or any of the other faithful unfortunates burdened with NatLamp fun facts to unload here. But the world will now know that I am doing my part in this completely trivial endeavor.

197. Women’s Tongue Exercises

Q: I remember a diagram from an early 70’s issue that demonstrated women’s excercise – specifically tongue push-ups. The woman lies face down on the floor and pushes herself up with her tongue (tongue thrusts?). Talk about core strength! Do you have any recollection of this?

A: That was in a Harvard Lampoon Cosmopolitan parody, not from National Lampoon. It was published in 1972 (the one with Henry Kissinger in the centerfold). The article was called “Slimbering Up Those Lazy Muscles” by “Perry Stalsis, M.D.”. (Thanks to Jim for helping me out on this one.)

196. Ad for Dog Masks

Q: I’m surprised no one has asked for this one: An ad for dog masks—shows a couple screwing on a lawn wearing dog masks. I believe it said, “If dogs can do it, so can you.”

A: Yeah, gee, a real head scratcher that it hasn’t come up before. I don’t happen to remember it, but reader Duane is positive it’s from one of the Harvard Lampoon magazine parodies. Sounds good to me.

195. “Dead Wood” Story

Q: The title of the short story was “Dead Wood.” It was a heart-wrenching tale of a mid-level corporate executive desperately trying to save his job with a half-baked motorcycle stunt aimed at impressing his boss. The story is told from the wry point-of-view of an observant colleague. The story is very ‘real’ with no fantastic elements other than “Mr. Dead Wood’s” increasingly futile goal of saving his job. A timeless piece that would read very well in today’s downsized economy.

A: See the Aging Loser Story question.

194. F-word Goes Mainstream

Q: Many years ago I read an article in the magazine that depicted a scenario where a NYT reviewer uses the F-word in notes for an article that inadvertently goes to press. Once that happened, the taboo on the word was broken down, and the next couple of years had the word appearing all over mainstream media and advertising. Any idea when that article appeared and how I could get a copy?

A: Carol sez: “That was ‘The F-Word Comes of Age’, in the September ’91 (Coming of Age) issue.” Thanks, Carol!

193. Jim Wilson: Where Is He Now?

Q: Does anyone know what became of Jim Wilson, the man who made satirical props for the Lampoon? I think he did the recycling machine on the cover of Best Of #6, and certainly the Roach Motel in the Sleaze issue. Did he move on to other things? Is he dead?

A: Apparently he’s still alive. Jim answers the question himself in the Comments below. (Thanks, Jim!)

192. Punks on the Beach

Q: I was just reminded of a one-page item from the magazine. It was titled “Punks on the Beach.” I think I found where it was from a 1985 edition of the magazine.

A: William provides the answer: “That was in the ‘Best From Europe’ issue, April, 1985.”

191. Jimmy Durante Cartoon

Q: I believe it was the very early ’80s where there was a full page or two page cartoon (b&w pointalist style) of the goings on in the Jimmy Durante mansion… Jimmy basically boffing every starlet in Hollywood, with such notable lines as “I’m tellin’ ya toots, ya got what it takes!” and “A-cha-cha! And you thought just my nose was big!”

A: It was definitely a cartoon by Drew Friedman, and Frisia comes through with the answer: “The title is “Jimmy Durante Boffs Young Starlets”. It appeared in NL‘s January ’85 (Good Clean Sex) issue.” Thanks, Frisia!

190. “Our Founder” Cartoon

Q: Looking for an old cartoon for a friend. The cartoon was about the artificial insemination foundation. Someone is sitting at a desk, and behind them a photo of a penis that says, “Our founder”. If anyone has a copy of this cartoon, or a volume number that I can find it.

A: If you, dear reader, know the answer, please post it in a comment.

189. Christmas Vacation Candle Holders

Q: Looking for information about (brand, maker, etc.) or where I can get the candlestick holders they have in National Lampoon‘s Christmas Vacation movie on their dinner table.

A: No idea. If you, dear reader, know the answer, please post it in a comment.

188. Ayn Rand Parody

Q: I recently got the National Lampoon Complete DVD, and have been trying to locate something I *think* I remember seeing in the late 1970s or early 1980s. I’m pretty sure, but not positive, that NL did a parody of Ayn Rand somewhere around that time. Does that ring a bell?

A: According to Dell, there were a couple of “letters” from her in the Letters From the Editors column in August 1983 and February 1987. More info in the Comments below.

187. Practical Jokers Story

Q: I’m trying to find a story about two friends who loved to play practical jokes on each other and as they got older the severity of the joke escalated to the point of flooded houses, dead cats and perhaps people but I don’t remember. Do you recall this story?

A: Cartoon Carol sez: “You may be thinking of ‘The Water Fight’ by John Bendel in the January ’81 (Excess) issue. It begins with an accidental splash at a swimming pool and climaxes with a house being gutted, lined with plastic, and filled with thousands of gallons of water, just waiting for the victim to open the door…”

186. “Gulag Archipelago” Parody

Q: I’ve been looking for a parody of the Gulag Archipelago that I thought appeared in the summer of 1976. I have not been able to find it on the DVD of the magazine I just purchased. There were several other funny parodies in the same issue. Can you help with the issue number?

A: Shirley says: “NatLamp‘s July ’77 (I Need Sex) issue ran ‘More Obligatory Sex Scenes’ which included a short spoof of ‘The Gulag Archipelago’ amongst sexual parodies of several books. (Issue #88)” That’s probably it.

185. Mark Marek Cartoon

Q: There was a carton about a mean guy who was down on his luck and unable to get a job. He interviewed for a corporate position to fire people. As the employer droned on about how stressful it was he was cut off with “fuck that! how much does it pay?” He eventually became extremely successful, hired other like-minded guys and provided termination as a service around the world. I believe it was Mark Marek who created this work of genius. Which issue was it in and can I find it for purchase?

A: According to Cartoon Carol: “Hold onto yer hernia-belts, buckaroos; this one is an ODDITY. It appeared TWICE in the Poon, drawn by two different artists. The first appearance of ‘Little Inspirational Stories’ written by John Bendel was in August 80 (Anxiety issue) in the Funny Pages, with art by Spain. Then it turns up again, in Feb 84 (All Comics issue) as ‘Little Inspirational Stories #472’ with cartoonier art by Bill Plympton. The script is identical, with an added final caption, ‘And so Hal cleaned up despite a cruel personality handicap that might have stopped a lesser person.’ I suppose there might be a third version drawn by Marek, but I’ve never seen it. I guess the real question here is Why?” Thanks once again, Carol!

184. World Championships

Q: It was a cartoon, at the end of the magazine maybe? Just like a tournament bracket (arranged with all the teams in their first round, quarter-final, semi-final, and finals) except it’s the countries of the world, with the semi-finals being USSR vs Afghanistan, and US vs Vietnam, with the “final” (yet to be played) Afghanistan vs Vietnam.

A: That was actually from Spy magazine. See the Comments link for more details. (Thanks to Chris for answering this one.)

183. “I think he likes you!” Cartoon

Q: There was a one panel cartoon in ’73-’75 era that was on the title page or just before it in which a guy has knocked on another guy’s door, the door was opened and the resident’s dog had jumped up on the guy’s shoulders and started humping his mouth. The punch line was something like “I think he likes you!” Any idea what issue that would have been? Thanks.

A: October 1973 (Banana) issue, page 4. (Thanks, Jeff!)

182. Erica Jong Parody

Q: Did the Lampoon ever parody Erica “Fear of Flying” Jong, either briefly or at length? Seems like something Ellis Weiner, in particular, would have done a good job with.

A: According to Carol, in the Comments link: “Ellis Weiner wrote ‘How to Rave About Your Own Life’, a short parody of Erica Jong for ‘A Fourth of July Garland of Parodies’ in the Lampoon‘s ‘100th Anniversary’ issue of July ’78. NatLamp graduate Anne Beatts wrote a longer parody called ‘Fear of Fucking’ in “Titters”, a book of humor by women she edited in ’76.” (Thanks again, Carol!)

181. Jackie Onassis 12 Days of Christmas

Q: I think this appeared about 1973-74. Looking for the “12 Days of Christmas” where Aristotle Onassis bought Jackie Onassis… the world. No one remembers this. Some lyrics I remember: “On the 1st day of Christmas Onassis bought for me the Statue of Liberty. On the 2nd day of Christmas Onassis bought for me…”

According to Mary: “That wasn’t a NatLamp piece at all. It appeared in the 1970 MAD paperback Sing Along With MAD. (in later editions it’s replaced with a parody of ‘O Come All Ye Faithful’). It was perpetrated by Frank Jacobs, with drawings by Al Jaffee.” Thanks, Mary! I didn’t think it sounded like something that NatLamp would run.

180. Large Flying Saucer Illustration

Q: Probably an odd request, but I’ve tried to find a piece of art from a mid-’70s issue. It was a saucer-style spaceship, and as I remember it was a two-page (or at least a page and a half) drawing, primarily silver and gray but with random sections of vivid color. I’ve had this notion for fifteen years that it needs to cover one of my garage walls. I have no idea what the story was.

A: In the Comments, Brenda suggests that this actually appeared in Heavy Metal magazine (a National Lampoon sister publication). I think she is probably right, so I’m marking this question “answered”.

179. Poem Parody and Indian History

Q: I have long wanted to find two items I remember from NL. One was a parody of the Poem, “I am the Infantry, Follow me!”, and the other was a pictorial history about the American Indians with hilarious issues like the buffalo being the mortal enemy of the Indian, sneaking up on them at night with Indian skins on their backs, etc.

A: Veranda Porch got it: “It was in the ‘Defeat’ section of the November ’72 (Decadence) issue.” Thanks, Veranda!

178. Murray Ox Cartoon

Q: Do you know the issue that presented a cartoon about Murray Ox, a hapless man whose fart left him shunned by his whole town? After twenty years he returned and he overheard a conversation recalling his famous lapse.

A: The sad tale of Murray’s Fart was a “Mule’s Diner” comic, in the Nov ’75 “Work” issue, page 109. (Thanks again to Karol for finding this.)

177. Sanitized Recording of “Magical Misery Tour”

Q: When Radio Dinner was first released, I heard an edited version of Magical Misery Tour that was as funny as the unedited version. Any idea where it cam from. It aired on WBCN, Boston but I am almost certain it was not a in-station production piece.

A: If you, dear reader, know the answer, please post it in a comment.

176. Ocean’s 11 with Kids

Q: Do you remember or can you locate a NL story about a gang of kids that were trying to ape the Frank Sinatra movie Ocean’s 11? I remember they had a clubhouse in one of their garages and had the girls rubbing their necks. One of the girls stole her mom’s station wagon and they knocked off a candy store. Am I imagining this or was it in NL?

A: Carol has the answer: “Yes, it’s ‘Every Boy’s Guide to His Own Ratpack’ by Mimi Pond, in the March ’84 ‘The Sixties’ Greatest Hits’ issue.”

175. “I Like Bananas” Song from Radio Hour

Q: I can still hear Gilda Radner singing a little ditty: “I don’t like peaches, because they have big stones/But I like bananas, because they have no bones.” What was the title of that radio sketch, and in which program did it air? I’ve scoured all the available listing on amazon.com and can’t find it.

A: Well, it wasn’t Gilda Radner. The song is from the ’40s or earlier (thanks, Carol). More info in the Comments.

174. Giant Penis Centerfold

Q: In the early ’70s there was an issue of National Lampoon that had a centerfold of a huge penis with a caption “THE CHAMP”. I remember because during class in high school I’d show it to my female friends and they would go crazy. Do you recall what issue that was?

A: Natalie Lamp nails it: “That was part of the Exsquire parody in the Back to College issue, Sept ’75. It was a spoof of an Esquire feature where they ran lifesize photos of parts of athlete’s bodies for the reader to compare himself to. NOT genitalia tho’; I remember Rod Laver’s hand and Arnie Schwartzenegger’s neck. Pretty gross anyway.”

173. U.S. Map of Ethnic Nicknames

Q: I’m looking for a two page map of the U.S. that expressed nicknames for ethnic groups in different regions.

A: Sissy sez: “That would be ‘A Nation of Foreigners’ in the 199th Birthday Book. The map shows such groups as Jarheads, Scoovies, and worse; Drawings by Randy Jones represent ethnic-based expressions like ‘Irish confetti’ (bricks) and ‘Mexican Overdrive’ (benzedrine). The writer, if this is writing, was of course P.J. O’Rourke.”

172. How to Make Love to a Loaf of Bread

Q: I’m looking for the article about how to make love to a loaf of bread (NOT in the ‘Food’ Issue, oddly enough) which contains a phrase like “Now sit back and enjoy, as the staff of liofe embraces the lively staff!”

A: Reader Mona Guerilla has the answer: “It was ‘The I-Hate-to-Fuck Book’ by Terry Catchpole in the Feb ’73 (Sexual Frustration) issue. The staff of life bit appears under the heading ‘Hot Pork Sandwich’.”

171. Eisenhower Waving from a Window

Q: I’m looking for a small picture of Eisenhower waving from a window, saying (cartoon balloon over his head) “Hi! I’m still dead!!”

A: July 1972, p. 34. (Thanks to reader John for the answer.)

170. “Engrave the Children” Campaign

Q: I seem to recall National Lampoon had a bit parodying SAVE THE CHILDREN called, ENGRAVE THE CHILDREN. You as a sponsor would have your name permanently engraved on the child’s forehead so he would always remember you when he was grown up & leading an anti-American revolution. Anybody know where this might be found?

A: Hairy Fart Woman sez: “‘Engrave the Children’ is one of the gift ideas in “The Needless-Markets Christmas ™ Book” by Fred Graver and others. This appeared in the Dec ’83 Holiday Jeer issue of our fave mag.” Thanks, Ms. Fart Woman!

169. Capitalist, Socialist, Big Dumb Guy on a Desert Island Cartoon

Q: Looking for a one page, one-shot cartoon about three men marooned on a desert island: The Capitalist, The Socialist and Big Strong Dumb Guy. I can’t find it anywhere, but it was hilarious. This might’ve been late 80’s/early 90’s.

A: It was called “Ideo-Logical Funnies”, by Tony Gleeson, and appeared in the January/February 1995 (Sex In America) issue. (Thanks to Tony Gleeson himself for providing the clue to solving this mystery. See the Comments link for more info.)

168. Howard Hughes Santa

Q: I am trying to locate a copy of National Lampoon magazine featuring John Walsh as a Howard Hughes Santa. Probably circa 1970.

A: Carol sez: “The John Walsh/ Howard Hughes/ Santa Claus connection is revealed at last, due to insomnia and an ancient Twilight Zone episode. I couldn’t sleep last nite, so I was watching “Night of the Meek”, a TZ about a drunken department-store Santa (played by Art Carney). The actor playing Santa’s boss was John Fiedler, and he looks exactly like the photo of ‘the young Claus’ in NL’s “Xmas Time; the Death of Santa Claus” (Dec. 1977). I got that issue out to compare faces, and noticed a tiny photo credit… John A. Walsh. I’m sure this all has a deep significance, but I don’t know what.”

167. Rock Concert Commercial Parody

Q: I remember a great track from the 70’s that I’m sure was on a National Lampoon album, but can’t remember it’s title or find it! It was a satire of the Rock concert radio adverts of the time and some of the phrases I can remember included: “Dino Dinosaurus presents…” “117 of the greatest lead guitarists ever assembled live on stage” “3 shoe-warping shows” “…could melt bricks” I think the track started with one of the supposed group saying something like “I’m a vampire…”

A: If you, dear reader, know the answer, please post it in a comment.

166. Ron Reagan Comic

Q: What issue had a comic book parody like Son o’God that had Ron Reagan (the Prez’s son) as the main character. I recall he was a ballet dancer in the parody.

A: April 1981: “Young Ron Comics.”

165. Hippie Village Story

Q: I have a recollection of a story that appeared in a NL issue from probably the mid- to late- ’70s. It involved a person in some sort of hippie village or cottages, maybe on Long Island. I think it involved drug problems. Vague, I know. Still, does this ring a bell for you?

A: Sounds kind of like a Chris Miller story, and it is. Carol found it: “The story is ‘Lunacy’ in the ‘Back to College’ ish, Sept/Oct 1989. It is indeed by Chris Miller, with illos by the famous Stanley Mouse. However, it is set on Fire Island, not Long Island.” Thanks, Carol!

164. “Could Ruse a Ritter Mustart” Cartoon

Q: Early ’80s, post-apocalypse, Asian with a baloney sandwich in the last frame, tag line was “could ruse a ritter mustard”.

A: That appeared in the March 1982 (Food) issue. (Tip o’ the hat to The Head of Jayne Mansfield for providing the answer in the Comments link below.)

163. Appletons Strip with Toothpaste Gag

Q: I am remembering a strip in which Mrs. Appleton leaves the children at home with Mr. A and he is helping them brush their teeth and I recollect a frame with toothpaste squirting out of their noses? Any ideas?

A: There are so many Appletons strips, it might take a while to find… Update: And it did. Two years later, Larry comes through with the answer: “It’s in the Funny Pages, April ’79 (April Fool!) issue.” Thanks, Larry!

162. “X Eggs Any Style” Cartoon

Q: I’m trying to find a NatLamp cartoon that had a picture of the interior of a diner, and on the wall was a menu with prices for “1 egg any style, 2 eggs any style”, etc., and continues into the hundreds of eggs “any style”. Do you remember in what issue that ran? I’d guess it was in the ’80s. Thanks for your help!

A: A single-panel cartoon is very difficult to find if I don’t specifically remember it. This one sounds familiar, but I have no idea which issue it would have appeared in. If anyone else knows, please post it in a comment.

161. Family Coping with Recession Cartoon

Q: I checked and did not see this question (or answer). I remember a mid-’70s NL two page cutaway type cartoon of a family coping with the recession by turning there home into a den of vice (hot sis pulling a train, mom in sexy lingerie greeting customers, son or dad running gambling). Any idea where I can find this one?

A: Carol says: “Dirty Money: A How-to Guide to Home Pornography” by Morty Mitchell, in Jan ’85. More info in the Comments link below.

160. Dog Unravels Dress

Q: There was an issue with a strip where I believe a dog grabbed a string on a lady’s dress and the dress unraveled. Do you know what issue that was?

A: Sorry, that doesn’t ring any bells. If anyone else knows the answer, please post it in a comment.

159. Santa’s Elves Cartoon

Q: I am looking for the issue that had a cartoon that had Santa’s Elves in an assembly line, making dolls.
The elf at the end of the line that was putting the “Head” on the doll, was about to run out of heads to put on the dolls. He (or she) asked Santa: “Hey Santa, How ’bout a little head?” Santa replied something like “Perverts like you shouldn’t be making children’s toys.”

A: Sounds sort of familiar, but I don’t know which issue that would be. If anyone knows, post it in a comment.

158. Aging Loser Story

Q: As a callow youth, I read and promptly forgot a NatLamp story about an aging loser in some industrial plant–something to do with “piece-parts distribution”—who tries desperately to impress his new boss. He fails, of course, and suffers a heart attack, and his cubicle is given over to some goth-punk designer. It had wonderful touches—the boss’s attractive freckled wife, the pathetic and primitive slideshow designed by our loser (this in the days before PowerPoint). Now, as an aging loser who’s had a heart attack, I find myself wondering: what was this story called, who wrote it, and is it online to re-read?

A: According to Carol: “It’s called ‘Deadwood, the Desperate White-Collar Worker Who Tried to Please a Boss Young Enough to Be His Kid’ by Tod Carroll. It appeared in the thoroughly dreary ‘Anxiety’ issue, Aug ’80.” Thanks again, Carol!

157. “How You Wished It Happened” Comic Strip

Q: I remember reading an issue in the mid to late ’70s that had a black & white comic strip depicting three scenarios of a guy losing his virginity. The titles were something like “How You Wish It Happened” (a naked woman magically appears in the guy’s window and has sex with him), “How It Should Have Happened” (the guy and his girlfriend have a mature talk about sex first), and “How It Probably Happened” (they are drunk and clumsy). I’ve been searching around but haven’t figured out which issue had this. Any help is appreciated. Thanks!

A: Carol comes through again: “‘First Intercourse; My Fondest Fantasy’ by the late John Hughes, in the Jan ’80 (Fantasy)” ish.’ Thanks, Carol!

156. “Night Before Christmas” Watergate Poem

Q: I am looking for the poem on Watergate that was presented during a radio show and may have been on the missing tape record. The poem used the structure of “T’was the Night Before Christmas.”

A: I’m almost positive that nothing like that ever appeared in National Lampoon, on the Radio Hour, and definitely not on the “Missing Whitehouse Tapes” LP. It was probably in some other publication or other. Mad magazine, perhaps. In any case, if anyone else remembers it, please post it in a comment.

155. “Gooda Booda Fooda” Cartoon

Q: My father was always such a huge fan of the magazine, and when he sees me reading my Mad magazines, he always tells me how much better Lampoon was. Anyways, my question is about a cartoon in one of the earlier issues. I believe the setup is there is a dog and a girl, and some one says Gooda Booda Fooda Go fuck yourself. I don’t know exactly what the cartoon is, or what issue it is from, but him and his brother (my uncle) always say GBF or Gooda Booda Fooda in their communicae. If you know what issue that is from, I’d be so greatful, as I’d like to purchase that one for him as a gift. Maybe two so I can get one for my uncle too.

A: Marcel provides the answer: “It is part of a parody of some sort of underground newspaper called ”The Daily Roach-Holder” written by Michael O’Donoghue. The comic strip is entitled “Rita Rip-Off” and the exact citation is “Gouda! Budda! Fooda!” That piece first appeared in the July 1970 (“Paranoia”) issue and was reprinted in “The Best of National Lampoon No. 1″ (1971). Thanks, Marcel!

154. Letter about “Bismuth”

Q: To the best of my recollection, the piece I am looking for was a “letter to the editor” published in the NL in the early 1970’s. The letter was about the benefits of taking “Bismuth” or something like that.

A: It was in a magazine parody called Goat in the June 1974 (Food) issue. (Thanks to Marcel for the answer.)

153. Geoffrey Holden Credit

Q: Geoffrey Holder is listed as a performer on the “Classic National Lampoon 4-CD Boxed Set”, but I have not been able to find any performer credits for each routine. Please let me know which routines on the National Lampoon LPs and CD’s are performed by Holder.

A: The “Boxed Set” contains the previous NL albums “That’s Not Funny, That’s Sick”, “The White Album”, “The Greatest Hits of the National Lampoon“, and “Sex, Drugs, Rock And Roll, & the End of the World”. I have all of these albums (except “Greatest Hits”, which contains only previously released tracks, all of which I have on other albums), and I don’t see his name listed anywhere. Or, perhaps I missed it. If anyone else knows what, if anything, Mr. Holder did on National Lampoon albums, please post it in a comment. (It might help refresh your memory to know that Mr. Holder was the Caribbean guy with the deep voice in those 7-UP “uncola” ads back in the seventies and eighties.)

152. “Pimley” Cartoon

Q: I am looking for what issue is the comic (in the back) by Mark Marek about a loser named Pimley. He is such a loser that he can’t even guard a fire hydrant (like, who is going to steal it?) and it gets stolen and he ends up throwing himself in front on the D subway train. I am thinking maybe 1983 at least after 1980.

A: November 1983 issue on page 93. (Thanks, Dudley, for answering this!)

151. “Jades Boyz” Duck Cartoon

Q: I was an annual subscriber to NatLamp in the 1970s, when it was funny. I recall a cartoon of a duck (not Dirty Duck) with a big toothy grin, standing in a bowl of dog food. The duck was waving and saying “jades boyz”. Do you have any idea what issue it was in?

A: It sounds like the cartoon duck mascot National Lampoon used sometimes during its first year, and it was: May 1970 (Greed) issue, p. 80. (Thanks to Steve O. for the answer.)

150. “Admit It You Bastard…”

Q: I am trying to find a copy of an article, or essay, or checklist… something in the NL from the very early ’70s in which it listed things that one had to admit such as, “Admit it you bastard that you think Nazi uniforms are cool.”, and, “Admit it you bastard that you always thought that Floyd Patterson is a credit to his race”. Do you recall this and where can I find a copy of the full text?

A: Sorry, I don’t recall this article at all, but reader vcrogers does: “It’s part of “The Guilt Test” in the August 1970 “Paranoia” issue. Page 63, to be precise.”

149. Kangaroo “69” Cartoon

Q: Looking for a one frame drawing, no caption, showed two kangaroos in 69 position with their heads in each others pouches. Circa 1972-73. I remember having it silk-screened onto a shirt I wore in gym class in 1974, so it’s no later than that.

A: I kind of remember that one, and I looked through all of 72-73 issues, but didn’t see it. If I’d looked at the very next one, the January 1974 (Animals) issue, I would have found it on page 16. (Thanks to Steve for the answer.)

148. Caribbean “Love Boat”

Q: I had a subscription to National Lampoon in the late ’70s early ’80s. And there was a story about a cruise ship sailing through the Caribbean with a huge orgy on board. And I thought it was in poetic form. It had the narrator talking in a Jamaican accent, saying things like ‘in there gapin mout’. And I think the ship had started to sink from a hole punched in it and release spermicidal gel in an oil slick on the ocean. Let me know if you know of this article and where I could possibly download it from.

A: Carol says: “The article is called ‘CALYPSO!’, by Donald Charles; it’s in the July ’81 (Endless, Mindless Summer Sex) issue.” Thanks, Carol!

147. “Be A Cop” Fake Ad

Q: Here’s a tough one for you (I think) because I’ve looked for over 15 years for this issue and been unable to find it. There was a mock ad in a National Lampoon that said “be a cop” and had a picture of a police officer suggestively holding a young boy’s hand, as well as some other strange/immoral cop activity. Any idea what issue this was from?

A: Well, you’re right. I’m stumped. If anyone else knows, please post it in a comment..

146. Dan Quayle GOP Plot

Q: After Matheson took over, they started a feature in the back called the yellow pages. During the Bush the 1st years, there was a fake story about how the Republicans were going to put something in the water supply to dumb down the American people to the point where they would believe Dan Quayle was smart enough to be the next president. Any idea which issue this was? Thanks a lot.

A: I checked through all the issues in which that feature ran (which was actually called “The Yellow Journal”), but couldn’t find it. If anyone else knows, please post it in a comment.

145. History of Rock and Roll

Q: Was wondering if you remember what issues the one page History of Rock and Roll and the Beat The Meatles “interview” appeared?

A: “Beat The Meatles” appeared in the October 1977 (Beatles) issue, but I don’t know when the other item appeared. If anyone else knows, please post it in a comment.

144. Cavalry Sentry Cartoon

Q: This was in the ’70s I think. It was a two panel cartoon. Panel one, Cavalry general writing at his desk in front of a window, sentry standing by the door, caption under reads Thump, thump, thump. Panel two, sentry turns head toward door, general slumped over desk with three arrows in his back. Caption has sentry saying, come in. I would love a copy of that cartoon to blow up and frame. It just struck me as funny.

A: Page 6 of the December 1970 (Christmas) issue. (Thanks, Steve_O!)

143. “In Pursuit of the Savage Bajoona”

Q: I’m looking for information concerning a National Lampoon article titled (as near as I can remember) “In Pursuit of the Savage Bajoona”. It concerns things in single women’s apartments that men should be wary of, one of which is the bajoona, a toilet seat that will not stay up. I’d like to find what issue the article appeared in. This would have been in an early issue, possibly late ’70s, early 80s.

A: According to several commenters, the article appeared in Playboy magazine, not in National Lampoon. James Kilpatrick or Nicholas von Hoffman, both of whom used to be on the “Point/Counterpoint” segment on “60 Minutes” back in the ’70s, are cited as the author, but a little Googling around confirms that it was Kilpatrick with “The Bijoona in 615” in the December 1972–January 1973 issues of Playboy.

142. Mark Marek Comic Strip

Q: There was a quick comic (6 frames maybe) which as I recall was called something like New Wave Comics in an issue in the 70s about a fellow that gets dumped by a girl and then goes on to do all of these achievements and make tons of dough and in each frame he is doing a tag line of the sort “I made it Sue Ellen” and in the last frame it is the girl’s headstone showing she had died a long time ago.

A: Mister Ree says: “The comic that you are looking for appeared on page 67 of the April 1981 (Chaos) issue. The woman’s name was Michelle Anglin. Also, I believe that might have been the very first appearance of [Mark Marek’s] ‘New Wave Comics.'” Thanks, Mister!

141. Dead Cat Under Couch Story

Q: I’m trying to find a copy of a story I read from NL back in the late ’70s or early ’80s about a bunch of roommates that find their cat dead under the couch. If you could help me with the name of the story and the author I’d appreciate it.

A: Louis the Computer has all the answers. She says: “That story is titled ‘The Past Today: A Wake for James’. It’s by Ted Mann, and appeared in the September ’80 (The Past and How it Got There) ish.” Thanks, Louis!

140. Buddy Hickerson Cartoon

Q: I am looking for a Buddy Hickerson cartoon that was originally (at least I think it was) in NatLamp. It was a strip about a guy who goes to his class reunion. It must be from anywhere from say ’79–’85.

A: Terri provides the answer in the Comments link: “Hickerson’s ‘Mr Vengeance’ attends his class’s 10-year reunion in the Funny Pages of NL August 87 (True Facts issue).”

139. Pet Cat Abuse Cartoon

Q: There was a cartoon in Lampoon that had a man sitting in his recliner with a startled look on his face. Standing next to him was a little boy. The caption was something like, “Dad, when you were my age, did you have a gaping sore on your penis that hurt when you stuck it in the cat?” I’d love to either find that cartoon or know who the artist was.

A: It appeared in the March ’86 (All About Women) issue and also the expanded (1984) edition of “Cartoons Even We Wouldn’t Dare Print” (page 9). The artist was P.C. Vey. Many thanks to Mona for answering this question.

138. “Women You’d Love to See Nude”

Q: Got an issue in the late ’80s—early ’90s timeframe that had a section titled something like “Women you’d love to see nude.” Some of the categories were “Your Ninth Grade English Teacher” and “Your only good looking Aunt.” Happen to know what issue that might be?

A: Mama says: “It was called “The Naked Truth” (ain’t that a brilliant title?) by Larry Sloman & Ed Subitzky and it appeared in the Feb ’89 (Mike Tyson) issue of the ‘Poon. And it was only five photos.”

137. “Strong Back? Be a Roofer” Ad

Q: I’ve been searching for a specific issue I recall from the 1970s ( I think) It contained a full page mock advertisement of a kid sitting in a classroom, head in his head, asleep. Caption read something like “Don’t waste a strong back, be a roofer”, Sponsored by the National Roofing Association. Something along these lines. I believe the kid sleeping was black. Any help?

A: Muffy says: “It was in the September ’75 (Back to College) ish.” More info in the Comments link.

136. Pseudoscholarly Book Reviews

Q: Remember those two pseudoscholarly book reviews, one reviewing a porno book called ‘Forced to Submit to the Nazi Dogs’, and the other reviewing some Doctor/Nurse Harlequin Romance novel? I recall them appearing in successive issues. And were there any more ‘reviews’ of this nature by the same author I might have missed?

A: The asker answers his own question: “September ’83 and November’83. Reviews of ‘Forced to Submit to the Nazi Dogs’ and ‘Nurse on the Run’ by Joey Green.” Thanks, Jonathan!

135. Nazi G.I. Joe Dolls

Q: Was there a cover or story where some G.I. Joe dolls were dressed as Nazis marching little Jewish Pillsbury doughboys into an oven?

A: It was definitely not a cover and I don’t recall seeing anything like that in the magazine. Reader Duane says, definitely not the ‘Poon, and that sounds right to me. If anyone else remembers what this was from, please post it in a comment.

134. Assembly Line Comic Artist

Q: Can you help me in recalling who the NatLamp artist was who was doing the auto assembly line comic? (Early ’70s). The Ukranian worker with seniority was always going on about “those young guys, what do they know about screws!”

A: It was “Assembly Line Comics” by Ed Subitzky from the April 1975 (Car Sickness) issue. (Thanks to Ken and Steve for digging up this info.)

133. Torture Cartoon

Q: I recall a multi-page cartoon that featured two women being tortured with electrodes to their nipples. I have no idea when it appeared except for maybe the late ’70s. Any clues?

A: The only thing like that I can think of is the S&M spoof “Cowgirls at War” from The Encyclopedia of Humor (1973), but Carol nails it again: May 1975 (Medicine) issue. More info in the Comments link below.

132. Cut-out Christmas Ornaments

Q: I’m looking for images of paper cut out christmas ornaments that were in Lampoon. Perhaps the late 70s. I think there were four. One was of a “dead jewish boy”. Another was of holly balls w/holly dick. I used them on the christmas for years! Sure wish I could find them.

A: Doesn’t ring a bell with me, but Marcel says: December 1979 (Success) issue. (Thanks, Marcel! That was fast.)

131. Tribal Construction Workers Comic

Q: I am pretty sure there was NL issue that was dedicated to a collection of different sorts of cartoons. One of the cartoons that comes to mind is a high-rise constriction site where all the construction workers are Native Americans who battle rival tribes who are constructing skyscrapers across the street. Another is a WWII Japanese propaganda poster that shows a Samurai Warrior standing in a kamikaze (zero) that is about to crash onto the deck of an American aircraft carrier. The US soldiers all look like devils and one of them is holding a hot dog bun with a baby inside of it. Does this ring a bell at all?

A: The first item was not from that issue. Carol (once again) provides the answer for the first item: “It’s a comic called ‘Trail of Tiers’, written by Brian McConnachie and drawn by Nick Cardy in the Nov 75 (Work) issue. It was reprinted in Best Of #7.” Thanks, Carol!

The second one is from a mock WWII Japanese propaganda comic book from a special issue called “National Lampoon Presents The Very Large Book of Comical Funnies” (1975). The “poster” you remember is the cover of the mock comic.

130. “Dear Santa Klaus von Bulow”

Q: A long time ago there was a “Dear Santa Klaus von Bulow” piece in National Lampoon which my buddy subscribed to. We were both around 13 years old at the time and we were way too young to understand the satire at the time but years later started cracking up upon putting it all together. I remember it was a Christmas list addressed to “Santa Klaus von Bulow” and included requests such as hypodermic needles. Do you have any recollection of this?

A: I’m afraid I’m not familiar with that one. I tried doing a text search on the Lampoon DVD, but no luck. If anyone else knows the answer, please post it in a comment.

129. Principal’s Guide to Acceptable Textbooks

Q: I’m trying to find a copy of the Principal’s Guide to Acceptable Textbooks or something similar. It was hilarious. No matter how horribly the books were defaced, the principal OK’d them for reuse. There was a picture of George Washington smoking a cigarette by his horse that I still laugh about.

A: It sounds like the History textbook parody in the 1964 High School Yearbook Parody, but it doesn’t match your description. I thought it might be in the 199th Birthday Book, but apparently not. If anyone else knows where this appeared, please post it in a comment.

128. P.J. on Elderly Sex

Q: I remember a letter from an older couple about their healthy sex life and P.J. O’Rourke saying something like “the thought of your withered carcasses slapping together in a parody of lust makes me want to puke my guts up…” Am I making this up?

A: Carol sez: “Jan. ’81 (Excess) issue, page 45, has an elderly couple ask “When should we stop making love?” A ‘prominent osteopath’ (either PJ or Gerald Sussman) replies “This minute…” and does the withered carcasses bit, ending with “…is repellent to any right-thinking person.” It does sound like PJ.” Thanks, Carol!

127. Mrs. Claus Cartoon from Early ’80s

Q: I remember a cartoon from the early ’80s of Mrs. Claus on all fours with a whole gaggle of elves gettin’ ready to help her pass the time without the hubby around. “For this is the night that MRS. Claus comes, too.” Which issue was this in? Any on-line copy of said cartoon?

A: Carol says: “Definitely the Surprise Poster from the December ’82 (E.T.) issue.” Thanks, Carol!

126. Are You a Preppie/Burn-out? Posters

Q: I recall that in some of the late ’70s/early ’80s issue NL did these kind of illustrated posters where it was “Are you a Burnout” or “Are you a Preppie” and they would be annotated illustrations showing all the various things each genre of person has. The druggie/burnout one stands out to me, and I remember that Merit cigarettes were part of it.

A: Sounds kind of familiar, but I can’t place it. If anybody else knows, please post it in a comment.

125. Bluntly Honest Pin-up Girl

Q: I remember a two-page spread from the ’70s—a woman standing in a wooden bath, covered in suds, with a long handwritten note behind her in which she pointed out she was mainly airbrushed, composed of little printer’s dots, and would never even think of meeting the reader so he should quit fantasizing, etc., etc. I’ve got the Lampoon DVD, but I can’t find this.

A: That was quick. January 1979 (Depression) issue, “Endpiece” by Ed Subitzky. Thanks, Steve!

124. Laughing Jesus

Q: I recall an article about the secret or hidden life of Christ, playing games as “seek and ye shall find,” and there was a drawing of a young Jesus laughing. Does this ring a bell? And how would one go about getting a copy of that drawing?

A: I’m not sure, but I think you’re combining two different things. The first is an article called “My Cousin Jesus, A Boyhood Remembered” (listed on the Contents page as “I Remember Jesus”) from the December 1970 issue. This article has the “seek and ye shall find” reference, but the artwork is just a painting done in a religious style showing a young (but not laughing) Jesus. The other one could be “Magic Made EZ” from the June 1971 issue which has a photo of a smiling guy who is supposed to be Jesus. Maybe it’s some place else where you saw the “laughing Jesus” drawing. If anyone knows the answer, please post it in a comment.

Update: According to Berk in the comments, this appeared in Playboy magazine, not National Lampoon. 

123. “Pig Farmer McSwill” Cartoon

Q: I was just visiting your site and wondered if you might know if there was ever a cartoon in National Lampoon that featured character named Pig Farmer McSwill. He’s at a store looking for something to get one of his pigs in the mood to reproduce. He has his daughter sample it because he says “She’s such a fine judge of quality animal tranquilizers.” If this rings a bell please let me know.

A: Sorry, I don’t recall that one, and a quick text search of the National Lampoon DVD turned up nothing. If someone else knows, please post it in a comment.

122. Rat-Eating Politician

Q: I am trying to find a National Lampoon comic that may have been titled “The Candidate.” It had a politician on a train in a cage eating a rat, and his handlers sewed a mask on his face, but forgot to take the rat away. The candidate appeared in public at the back of the train eating the rat, and his handlers said something about it not being a problem because the voting public were ignorant and wouldn’t remember it.

A: It was “Whistle-stop” by M.K. Brown and appeared in the Funny Pages section of the August 1972 (The Miracle of Democracy) issue. It was also reprinted in the National Lampoon Comics special issue (1974). (Thanks to Marcel for providing the answer.)

121. Courtesy Aisle Gag Cartoon

Q: I’m looking for a cartoon, probably from the mid-’70s. It takes place in a grocery store with something like “courtesy incident in courtesy aisle” and a foreign lady shopping with her foot impaled on a huge piece of glass saying something like “this is a suspicion” or “I am a suspicion”. Do you remember the cartoon or what issue it was in?

A: Marcel says: “It was in the December 1979 Success issue. It’s from the ”Closet at the top” comic. The lady says: There is a suspicion here! There is kolshevak skouri I am having. oh yes, yes a suspicion!”

120. Satan Paintings

Q: Years ago (1976-1981, I think), National Lampoon featured an issue on Satan. They had some excellent airbrushing/paintings of Satan in a circle. Various poses. The one I am looking for featured Satan in a circle playing an electric guitar. Do you know what issue this may have been. Looking to get that airbrushed on my bike. Thanks for any help.

A: That doesn’t sound familiar at all. Are you sure it was National Lampoon? The only issues I recall that might have had something like that are the January ’82 (Sword and Sorcery) issue or the June ’86 (Horror and Fantasy) issue, but nothing in either of those issues matches your description. (If anyone reading this is familiar with these paintings, please use the comments to help this guy out.)

119. Cosmo Parody with Joan Rivers on Cover

Q: There was a Cosmo Parody Issue with Joan Rivers on the cover around 1982 or 1983. Does this sound familiar?

A: It was a separate publication not connected with National Lampoon. See the Comments below for more info.

118. “Schickelgruber’s”

Q: Does anyone remember a National Lampoon story about the opening of a franchise called Schickelgruber’s, in which the muzac was a loop of the Hogan’s Heroes theme. I believe I first read it somewhere between ’75 and ’82. The chief protagonist, whose name I forget, did the young waitress on the counter, near the end. “As he loosed himself in her ruby youth,” a most memorable line, he asked, “what kind of birth control do you use.” The reply went something like “prayer, she hissed.” I’m almost sure it was a NL story, but not quite. I’m out of leads. Ideas anybody?

A: It didn’t ring a bell with me, so I did a search for “hogan’s heroes” on the National Lampoon Complete DVD, but nothing useful came up. If anyone knows the answer, please post it in a comment.

117. Bernie X. Illustration by Robert Grossman

Q: Any fans of “Bernie X” and/or illustrator Robert Grossman (who did the well-known Nixon-as-Pinocchio cover) know in which issue they came together? According to Mr. Grossman, the picture showed a “long-legged gal holding a pistol disguised as a slab of lox, a taxi visible between her legs coming up [NYC’s] Crosby St.”

A: It appeared in the June 1983 (Adults Only) issue accompanying the article “Tips and Tales from Bernie X: The Spy Who Came” by Gerald Sussman. (Thanks to Vepo for providing the answer.)

116. “The Interview” Cartoon

Q: I’m looking for an old cartoon from National Lampoon (probably 1980-86) that was called “The Interview”. It had two panels. 1st panel: “Although a sense of humor is a plus, never attempt to entertain.” 2nd panel: “No mater how nervous before an interview, never attempt to calm yourself with alcohol or barbiturates.” The drawings were hilarious.

A: Cartoons are the most difficult to find unless I happen to remember it, and I don’t remember this one. Anyone else remember it? Post a comment below if you do.

115. Fireflies Quote

Q: In reading Gould’s 1928 book “Oddities” I found the following insane surreal quote, something like “There are Americans who have the ability to quit their bodies for short periods of time and adopt the forms of fireflies, for the sole purpose of assualting their neighbors.” I seem to recall that in the Golden Age of NL I read that quote (and we used it quite often), but I cant find it.

A: It appeared on the cover of Best of 4 special issue, lower right corner. (Thanks to Steve for the answer to this.)

114. Col. Mustard Cartoon

Q: I’m desperately trying to find a copy of a panel cartoon I first saw in a National Lampoon from about 1979 or 1980 (possibly a year or two earlier but I don’t think so). It is of a portly English gentleman in a book-lined room on his hands and knees on a Chesterfield sofa performing an actual of solo sexual gratification involving a piece of silverware, with two aghast onlookers exclaiming “Great Scott, it’s Colonel Mustard in the Library with the Candlestick”. While I realise that these sorts of things can be very hard to track down, I’ve exhausted every other avenue I can think of so any assistance you can provide would be greatly appreciated.

A: Dustin found it: June 1989, page 15. Thanks, Dustin!

113. Lost Cheech Wizard Strip

Q: I am looking for a “Cheech Wizard” strip I’m sure was in the National Lampoon; never has this been reproduced anywhere, and even Mark Bode [Vaughn Bode’s son] doesn’t know about it: I believe it started out with Cheech saying “No matter how hard you shake it, one drop always rolls down your leg”. It ended with Belinda Bump saying, “Shit, Cheech, you came in my ear”, to which he replied “Yes. little pussy bottom, God hisself spoke to me in my moment of passion and told me to fill your marble-like head wif wisdom”. When/what issue did this appear? Or was it published somewhere else?

A: According to Carol: “G’day. The Cheech strip in question is titled ‘Sperm’. It appears in colour on the back cover of Bode’s 1973 comix book Schizophrenia. I can’t find it in any issue of the ‘Poon I’ve got. The most likely special for it to have appeared in was “Comics” (1974 anthology)but it ain’t there either. As it’s only two panels, it probably never appeared in NatLamp.” Thanks, Carol!

112. Zal Yanovsky’s NatLamp Stint

Q: As far as I know, Zal Yanovsky, former guitarist of The Lovin’ Spoonful, had a brief stint as one of the actors in an early incarnation of the National Lampoon touring group. It is my suspicion that he joined in 1971. Do you know anything more about his involvement with National Lampoon and specifically Lemmings?

A: Several people have piped up with more information about Zal and his association with National Lampoon and Lemmings. See the Comments link below.

111. Denton Divers

Q: Do you recall an article about a rash of suicides at the University of Maryland, College Park in the mid-’70s where students were jumping off the top of a high rise dorm, Denton dormitory. The National Lampoon did a satire calling them the Denton Divers? I think it appeared around 1975 to 1977.

A: Some possible answers in the Comments below.

110. Poem About Doctors

Q: Many years ago the National Lampoon ran a poem about doctors. One of the lines (from memory) was: “We’re doctors, we’re doctors, we’ll treat you like cats./We’ll cut off your buttocks and wear them like hats.” Any chance you can locate it?

A: According to Hulka: “It’s an excerpt (more or less) from the fake “Yale Medical School Alma Mater” in the piece “Doctor’s Privilege Kit” by P.J. O’Rourke.” Thanks Hulka! The issue it first appeared in was May 1975 (Medicine) and later reprinted in the “National Lampoon Treasury of Humor.”

109. Lost Baby Story

Q: I majored in the Lampoon in college. I remember reading what turned out to be one of the deepest most poignant stories that I have ever read in my life. It must have been around ’73–’74. It was about a collegiate party during which the lights went out and a baby was lost in the dark. Any ideas?

A: According to reader E. Nice, it was probably P.J. O’Rourke’s “Ghosts of Responsibility” from the October 1980 (Aggression) issue. See the Comments link below for more info.

108. “Why—do we look crazy?”

Q: Looking for a copy of the cartoon that has two very looking crazy customers at a bar responding to the Bartender, “Crazy? Heck, no. Why—do we look crazy?”

A: The cartoon was by M.K. Brown and appeared in the May 1975 (Medicine) issue. You can also see it on Ms. Brown’s website (when you get there, click on “Panel Six” in the list on the left). (Thanks to Bill and Steve for this answer.)

107. “And that’s…the history…of the blowhole.”

Q: I am currently pledging a fraternity and need to find the answer to a certain question for a brother so he does not give it to me too badly. He said this quote came from a National Lampoon movie but I could not find it anywhere on the internet and there are too many movies to go back and watch them all again, I just don’t have time. The quote is, “And that’s…the history…of the blowhole.” He told me it’s an old teacher who says this and that led me toward Animal House or Senior Trip. If you know, please let me know. I would greatly appreciate it.

A: Handsome says: “Sorry i can’t save you from getting it too badly, but the film in question is; ‘National Lampoon‘s Barely Legal.’ I would argue that you are far luckier for being unable to identify it, thus not seeing it.

106. Sinead O’Connor Story

Q: Hello, every once in a while I think about the funniest article I’ve ever read. It was a fictional story about the author going to the airport and picking up two people, one of whom was Sinead O’Connor. A deer was struck, but not killed, so it was strapped to the hood. The vehicle allowed a great deal of heat to escape through it’s engine, and the deer was cooked. At some point Sinead decided to flip off oncoming traffic, so she could get show them contempt, before they could show theirs.

A: “Driving Sinead O’Connor and Joan Baez to a Peace Rally in July” by Dino Londis from the January/February 1994 issue. (Thanks to Clark for providing the answer.)

105. Trots and Bonnie Tampon Cartoon

Q: Looking for an issue of National Lampoon where, in a comic strip section, a girl was going to the mall dressed as a tampon.

A: According to Carol Wood (of Australia’s Pox Girls comix), it was a two-page, full-color “Trots & Bonnie” comic in the December 1977 (Christmas In December) issue. Thanks Carol!

104. Mamie Eisenhower Death Contest

Q: I recall a contest to guess the date former First Lady Mamie Eisenhower would die. Did anyone actually win the contest?

A: “Slazor Gossage” won it. Maybe. See the Comments link for more info. (Thanks Carol!)

103. Colostomy Bag Cartoon

Q: Are you familiar with a one-frame cartoon from an early 1970s issue of NL in which a large man is being suspected as he exits a grocery store.
As he looks over his shoulder at his would-be accusers, the caption says something like, “I’m not stealing ripe fruit, it’s my colostomy bag”.

A: It’s a Bud Grace cartoon from the January 1986 issue. Thanks, Kit and Mike!

102. “Never Dive Alone”

Q: I used to read and collect NL quite a long time ago then was forced to get rid of my issues. So sad. Anyway, there was a page in a issue with a scuba diver jumping from a plane with the caption “never dive alone”. I thought I had saved that page but cannot find it anywhere. Would you know which issue it was in?

A: The poster in question appears on page 74 of of the July 82 ‘Sports’ issue. It’s by Wayne McLoughlin. (Thanks to Carol for providing the answer.)

101. Bernie X Collection?

Q: Do you know if there has been a complete Bernie X compilation assembled?

A: I’m pretty sure there isn’t, but there ought to be.

100. What to Look for in a Family Before Deciding to Marry (by John Hughes?)

Q: Hi, I vaguely remember an article from the early to mid seventies about things to look for in a family before deciding to marry someone. I believe that it was written by John Hughes.

A: The answer according to Steve: “The John Hughes Engagement Guide” from the November 1979 (Love) issue. It also appears in the recently published collection “National Lampoon‘s Big Book of Love.” Thanks to Steve and Kit.

99. When Jesus Came to Our House

Q: I remember a mid-eighties National Lampoon with a comic feature called “When Jesus Came to Our House.” One frame had Christ opening a bucket of KFC and saying, “Take and eat, this is my chicken.” Too much. Any idea what issue that might have been?

A: It appeared in the National Lampoon Very Large Book of Comical Funnies (1975). (Thanks to Carol for this answer.)

98. Instant No Recall

Q: I would be delighted to know if anyone remembers a story about—a professor I think, with “instant no recall” or possibly “total no recall”. It would have been pretty early ’70 to ’73 or so. I think. Lordy lordy, I could have perished chortling.

A: Steve nails it: “Rural Free Love” from the November 1972 (Decadence) issue. Thanks, Steve!

97. European Vacation German Bar Song

Q: I am searching for a song from “National Lampoon‘s European Vacation” that was played in the one of the nightclubs (perhaps german in speech).
It was a tecno-dance song that a female was singing. The nightclub (which I am not sure what the name of was) was playing this “cut” during the sequence when the parents find the kids in the club/bar and are somewhat lecturing to the kids. Do you know the title of this song?

A: I really have no idea. I haven’t seen that movie since it was in theaters and only vaguely remember that scene. If anyone else knows, please post it in a comment.

96. Two Racist Cartoons

Q: I’m looking for which issue had two full page comics. One is of two blacks taking a load of trash to the dump when a cop makes one of them cover the trash, ending with the punch line of “Somebody threw away a perfectly good n*****” The other comic is of a black girl and boy. The man begs to see undrneath the girl’s skirt and ends the comic with “Sho’ is a wonder yo guts don’t slide out.” Can anybody please help with not only the issue but where to acquire it?

A: “Jokes from the Old South” from the July 1976 (Down Home) issue. (Thanks Steve O. and B.A.!)

95. Mad Vandal Songster

Q: Who sings the theme song to the Mad Vandal, the one called The Crap
Has Been Here And Gone?

A: I have no idea. Maybe someone else knows. (If you, dear reader, know, please post the answer in a comment.)

94. “Fuzzy Gator” Cocktail

Q: I am a bartender in Albany, NY and I am into a well knit community of bartenders and bartending historians. There was a book that came out a few years ago called “New Classic Cocktails” by Gary Regan. In the book he mentioned a cocktail with a base spirit of NyQuil. But the rest of the cocktail ingredients were unknown. To my surprise a coworker mentioned a cocktail that was featured some time ago in National Lampoon called the Fuzzy Gator. It consisted of Vodka and NyQuil. After much research on the internet I have come up virtually empty. Can you shed some light on this? anything sound familiar? Or possibly could you lead me in the right direction?

A: According to Pete, it was in a comic called “Popular Drunk Hunting” in the June 1980 (Fresh Air) issue. More info in the Comments link. (Thanks, Pete!)

93. Outdoor Life/Field & Stream Parody

Q: Do you recall a section of an issue that took off on Outdoor Life/Field & Stream, articles written by Buck “Buck” Buck?

A: It sounds very familiar, but I can’t place it. Perhaps some kind reader will know and post a comment below to answer it.

92. Wild Ride Story

Q: Do you remember a story in one of the issues about a kid who thinks he is dreaming when a woman knocks at his window and takes him on a wild ride in her car ending with him firing missiles at his high school?

A: That would be “The Spy Who Wore Nothing” by John Hughes from the column “Big John’s Couch-time Stories For Men” in the August 1980 (Anxiety) issue. (Thanks again to E. Nice for the answer.)

91. Canadian Restroom Editorial & “Last Man on Earth”

Q: I am looking for an editorial that appeared in the True Facts section of the magazine. It was written by some guy in Canada, I think, and he goes on and on about public restrooms and their health risks and how people wouldn’t need to use them if they were “regular,” etc. Also, what is the name of the story about a geek who ends up as the last man on Earth because he isn’t watching the Super Bowl, and has sex with Jaqueline Bisset and Farrah and one other chick?

A: Thanks to Steve and E. Nice for answering this one. The editorial appeared in the March 1977 (Science and Technology) issue and was reprinted from the Toronto Sun November 12, 1976 edition. The other story was “The Last Man on Earth” by Ted Mann and appeared in the June 1981 (Romance) issue. More details (including a complete transcription of the Toronto Sun editorial) in the Comments link below.

90. Song from “European Vacation” Movie

Q: Who did the song “Back In America” from National Lampoon’s European Vacation?

A: According to the Internet Movie Database, it was a group called Network. More info here.

89. Grand Prix Railroad Racing

Q: I remember my days in college in the ’70s, reading one issue of NL with a Bruce McCall-esque pictorial article on train racing. It was hysterical! Do you know which issue this was, and whether the pictures are available online?

A: It was “Grand Prix Railroad Racing” by Wayne McLoughlin and appeared in the March 1977 (Science and Technology) issue. It’s not available online as far as I know.

88. “Oznog” Meat Sculpture

Q: Who was “Oznog” who did the meat sculpture in the “Artists and Models” issue (Feb. 1976)?

A: I have no idea. It’s “gonzo”” spelled backwards, I noticed, but I don’t know what that means either. Maybe someone else knows about this.

Update: Someone who worked with former NatLamp art director Peter Kleinman recently sent me this explanation:

“‘Oznog’ was one of several pseudonyms used by Peter Kleinman. He was forever being hounded about not taking too many credits so he created illustrations, photos, and concepts under a variety of fake names. His fake photography credits were ‘Lenn Skapp’ and ‘Paul Davis,’ he created cartoons as ‘Hamin X.O. Varese’ and various other names. Because the magazine was always running so close to deadline, Kleinman had to sometimes knock stuff out overnight just to make it to press.”

So, the answer is, Peter Kleinman did the sculpture.

87. “This man has swallowed his nose!” Cartoon

Q: I am trying to find a cartoon in which a man is lying in the street with
this bizarre face. A man is standing over him waving people off, within the
caption, “Stand back! This man has swallowed his nose! It’s OK, I’m a
sheet-metal worker. Bring me a bucket of water and a catchers’ mitt!”
It would have appeared between 1973 and 1975.

A: It ran in the February 1974 (Strange Sex) issue, page 62. (Thanks to Mike for finding this.)

86. Peas and Grease

Q: Was wondering which issue it was where the puppets were throwing up the peas and grease? I remember that the menu has something on it like, spam, spam, spam, peas, grease, and more spam?

A: Steve says: “It was from an article by Tony Hendra in the May 1976 (Foreigners) issue. The title was ‘EEC!'” More info in the Comments link.

85. “Rabbit Eggs” and Tea Bag Mix-up

Q: Looking for a couple of items/references. One is the Timberland Tales Thanksgiving episode where Constable Tom prepares a rabbit for Thanksgiving, and someone a table proclaims the stuffing
as “rabbit eggs.” I’m also looking for a single frame cartoon showing two dowager ladies over tea, with the caption, “My God, Ethel! Then what did you do with your tea bag?”

A: The first one was in the December ’82 issue. In the next-to-last panel, Maurice says, “Yeah, da rabbit laid dem jus’ before Constable Tom made ‘im go to ‘eaven.” A classic Timberland Tales, for sure. The other one is a Sam Gross cartoon from the August 1977 (Summer Sex) issue, part of a piece titled “A Tribute to the Lunar Cycle.” (Thanks to Steve for answering the second part.)

84. “Sgt. Nick Penis”

Q: Back in the mid to late ’70s there was a comic called “Sgt. Nick Penis and the Brass Ball Battalion” that I have never forgotten. I only had the issue for a couple of days when I lent it to a friend that was home sick from school. The jerk threw it out. Memorable line, “The poor boys still count in inches.”

A: It appeared in the February 1978 (Spring Fascism) issue and was written by Ellis Weiner and illustrated by Neal Adams.

83. Origin of Ice Hockey

Q: Mark, (if that is your real name), while leafing through some foggy brain cells that are scattered on the basement floor of my parents house, I recalled an article about the origin of ice hockey. Something about how it was a favorite pastime of slaves in the hot days of summer in the master’s icehouse. Any clue as to what issue this story is from?

A: Well, of course it’s my real name. Why would you think otherwise? Anyway, several people chimed in on this one, but Carol nails it: “Soul on Ice:the Untold story of the Negro Hockey League” by Tony Kisch, in the December 1988 (Playboy Wars) issue.

82. Funny Travel Story

Q: One of the funniest stories I ever read in the mag concerned a guy who was traveling to to the Far East and, as a joke, some items were planted in his briefcase, his passport was altered and he ended up in a Chinese prison. Eventually his wife and children’s pet duck (!) were brought into the story to bring more misery upon the hapless fellow. Would you happen to know what the name of the story is? I have been trying to locate it for years.

A: It was “My Life of Practical Joking” by Tod Carroll from the October 1979 (Comedy) issue. (Thanks to Jim for providing the answer.)

81. “Fartman” Music

Q: On the National Lampoon White Album there is a track called “Fartman.” My question is this: The track opens with a exciting fanfare/march piece of music, and continues throughout the track. I have spent almost a year trying to find out where this short piece of music came from? Who composed it? Did it come from a “stock music” collection? There was one other time, on some old TV program, where I heard the music separate from the Rodger Bumpass dialogue. I have the album, and there isn’t a hint of a “written by” credit on it. I have checked ASCAP and BMI. Of those two, there is only one single reference to a song called “Fartman,” and it is written by Toni Visconti. It’s possible that this is the one, but I don’t think so. Mr. Visconti wasn’t composing and arranging to that level. It’s a great Superman-like piece of music. If you have any sources you (or I) could check (someone at National Lampoon would probably know, or could find out), I’d be very grateful. This has been a long time quest now. I know that Howard Stern used the theme (straight off the NL record itself) for his “Fartman” bits, but it’s never been released by him, so there’s nothing to check and look for a songwriting credit. Someone must know where this little piece of rousing music comes from. Any help or pointers you can provide would be great!

A: I have no idea, but I would be very surprised if it was written and recorded for the bit on the LP. Most likely it was stock music, especially if you heard the same music in some other context. Incidentally, the script is taken almost word for word from a Foto Funny that appeared in the magazine in the June 1979 (Kids) issue. (If anyone knows the answer to this, please post it in a comment.)

80. European Vacation Soundtrack

Q: I’m looking to find the soundtrack to “European Vacation” but with no joy as yet. The one song I’m looking for is the one when the credits come up called “Back in America” which I think is by a group called Network.

A: Apparently, there was never a soundtrack recording issued for that movie, but see the Comments link below for some discussion.

79. Poor Timmy

Q: I am looking for info about a full page fake ad that appeared in late ’70s or early ’80s depicted “poor Timmy”, who had all sorts of physical impairments (blindness, hairy palms, etc), and ended with “but don’t worry, he’ll be dead soon.” It was purportedly by the Onanist Prevention Society, or something similar.

A: That piece is not from NatLamp but from the book “Not the bible” written in 1985 by Tony Hendra and Sean Kelly. (Thanks to both Max and Marcel for this answer.)

78. “Book of Moron”

Q: I remember reading a story in the ’70s about the “Book of Moron.” Can you tell me where to find a reprint or copy?

A: It appeared in The 199th Birthday Book (1975). Everything I know about acquiring back issues is on the Where To Find Stuff page.

77. Rockwell-esque Cover Illustrator

Q: There was a artist who used to do pictures for the National Lampoon that were Norman Rockwell-like. Can’t remember her name for the life of me.
If you know it, do you also happen to know if there is any book of her work?

A: Her name was Mara McAfee. She died in 1984 and had been an actress in Hollywood before becoming an illustrator. There was a book of her work published in 1981 called “The Art of Mara McAfee.” I’ve never seen it myself and I don’t know how hard it is to find. If you search Google for the title, you will find a number of online book stores which list it.

76. O’Donoghue Quote

Q: I have been trying to track down a Michael O’Donoghue quote. I think the subject was nostalgia, and after lamenting that “they’re tearing down all the great old parking lots,” he said something like “everything is coming back and then it’s going away again… forever.”

A: According to reader Chapin (see the Comment link below), it was said by George W.S. Trow, a Lampoon writer and frequent O’Donoghue collaborator. For some O’Donoghue quotes, here is a link.

75. “I’m Not a B-52”

Q: Which issue had in its News on the March section a photo of a B-52 dropping bombs, with caption balloons, “I’m not a B-52” and “We aren’t bombs”?

A: It was in the October 1973 (Banana) issue.

74. Possible “Appletons” Story

Q: I once read a comic that was similar to or may have been “The Appletons” in which a preteen seduces a man, teacher, or Mr. Appleton. With a motel key hidden in her vagina she takes him there, gets her cookies, he splits at which time her preteen friends come from hiding in the closet all wanting to get fitted for a key of their own. What comic was this called and where did I see it back in the mid 80’s?

A: Sounds a little too raunchy for “The Appletons.” Anyway, I have no idea. If anyone knows the answer, please post it in a comment.

73. “Mrs. Gipper” Comic

Q: All I need to know is if the magazine features a sarcastic comic called Mrs. Gipper.

A: According to Eric (see the Comments link below), that appeared in Rolling Stone magazine, not National Lampoon.

72. Moby Dick Sex Scene Parody

Q: Which issue had a parody of a chapter of Moby Dick? The parody was one of four parodies of “great literature,” or so I seem to recall. The Moby Dick piece (and I forget its title), concerns the chapter where the Pequod meets
the Samual Enderby at sea, and the Enderby’s captain tells his story. But instead of the captain foretelling the doom of the Pequod, he tells a story about a woman that he met who just turns out to be Captain Ahab’s daughter. Anyhow, the final line of the parody is something like this: “Ahab, his monomania again kindled and stoked, scowled, and disappeared below decks.” Hint: It had to have been in an issue from the
1970s.

A: An issue from the 1970s? That doesn’t really narrow it down much. Fortunately, I happen to recall it. The article I believe you are looking for is “Obligatory Sex Scenes” from the August 1976 (Compulsory Summer Sex) issue.

71. “Ask Uncle Bob” and “Terminal Flatuence”

Q: I’m looking for an issue in the early 70’s (maybe ’72 or ’73) by either National or Harvard Lampoon that had a section called (I think) “Ask Uncle Bob” in which a young man supposedly wrote in and asked a question about masturbation. In that request and the subsequent reply a number of terms were used for masturbation (spank your monkey, stroke your oar, etc.). I remember that Uncle Bob’s answer ended with a request that the young man just lick the envelope next time. Also, there was an issue on flatulence around the same time.

A: “Ask Uncle Bob” was in the December 1971 (Heart-Warming Christmas) issue. It was part of a comic book parody called “Boy’s Romance Comics.” The flatuence thing you remember was probably “Terminal Flatuence” by Tony Hendra, Sean Kelly, and John Weidman from the May 1975 (Medicine) issue.

70. “You find a guy like that…” Cartoon

Q: You might remember the cartoon that proceeds something like below, which appeared in the early to mid ’70s sometime. Any idea where I might be able to find an image of this cartoon? Cartoon goes like this:

(man and woman sitting up in bed)
Woman: Y’know what I dig in a man? Tenderness… and lots of strength! I want a guy who’s gorgeous, but not stuck up about it. Have lots of money but not be tight with it…
Man: (looks puzzled and rolls eyes during her spiel)
Woman: I want him to be intellectual, but rugged! Manly and protective, but lets me do whatever I want. Sweet and romantic but tough. Lets me knows his feelings but doesn’t tell me anything I don’t want to hear…
Man: Hey, you find a guy like that and I’ll fuck him

A: It was a Foto Funny from the October 1979 (Comedy) issue. (Thanks to Jay and Ken for finding that.)

69. Chopped Liver Sculpture of Mel Brooks

Q: What issue of National Lampoon had a feature interview with Mel Brooks
and a photo of his head as a bust in chopped liver?

A: It was in the July 1975 (3-D Entertainment) issue. The article was called “Mel Brooks is God,” by Gerald Sussman.

68. New York Bar Exam Parody

Q: I recall an issue of either National Lampoon or Harvard Lampoon with a wonderful parody of the New York State Bar Exam. I remember it vividly, although it must have run 20 or 30 years ago. But I don’t recall the year or the issue.

A: It was in the August 1975 (Justice) issue of National Lampoon. The authors were John Weidman and Tony Hendra.

67. Unpublished Dick Tracy Bad Guys

Q: I’m looking for an issue that came out in the early to mid eighties. It featured a collection of ultra-shady characters from the Dick Tracy comic books that never made it to print. If I remember correctly, the artist had supposedly created them after a long night of excessive drinking. The characters were so hysterical that to this day, I still laugh out loud whenever I think about them. Would you happen to know which issue that was?

A: The article was called “The Unpublished Enemies of Dick Tracy,” written by John Weidman and Ron Barrett It appeared in the May 1982 (Crime) issue.

66. “Take a Kid Hunting” Cartoon

Q: Do you recall a cartoon in an early ’70s NL where a father takes his son hunting, they slaughter hundreds of ducks, the father abuses the son, and then in the morning shoots himself? Was this in the NL? What issue?

A: You know, that sounds more like Field & Stream to me, but it was National Lampoon. It was called “Trespassers Will Be Violated” by Doug Kenney and appeared in the August 1975 (Justice) issue. (Thanks to Steve Orr for the tip.)

65. The Mutant Insect of Job Disparity

Q: Please tell me what issue “The Mutant Insect of Job Disparity” appeared in. I want to buy it somehow.

A: It appeared in the “News on the March” section in the April 1981 (Chaos) issue, one of a series of such charts that appeared in the magazine for several issues. (Thanks to Carol for this answer as well as additional information–see the Comments link.)

64. Larry David and Jack Handey

Q: According to Matty Simmons’ “not-so-thorough” account of the National Lampoon magazine, Seinfeld and Curb Your Enthusiasm creator Larry David was once a contributer. Also, I read from a bio that Jack Handey started Deep Thoughts at the Lampoon. Do you or anybody out there know which NL issues includes either of the two?

A: “Deep Thoughts” by Jack Handey, appeared in NL in at least three issues: April, October, and November 1984. There was a complete staff change after that. I don’t know if it ever appeared again. He also wrote a few other pieces for the magazine around the same time.

According to Michael Simmons, who was a NatLamp editor in the mid to late ’80s, Larry David did write one story for the magazine, “Mary Tyler Moore and Me” for the March 1986 issue. (More info in the Comments link, below.)

63. NL Show Touring Company, Ottawa Performance

Q: In about 1975 I caught a NL Touring show at Ottawa’s National Arts Centre as a lad of 15. I’m pretty sure it was before the beginning of SNL, and it had Belushi, Radner (they did an visciously physical sketch of “Rhoda Tyler Moore” as an effervescent blind Rhoda with Belushi as a torturous boyfriend), and possibly Chevy Chase… Also, there was a musical sketch about Patty Hearst (“It’s my fault, I’m a female fag”). Can you confirm who the castmembers were for this show? This has always haunted me.

A: According to Michael Simmons, who was involved in the show, it played in Ottowa in 1976 with the second company, which included Meatloaf and Ellen Foley. See the Comments below for more info.

62. Children’s Book Publisher Cartoon

Q: I have been searching for a cartoon I saw but have been unable to find in any of my issues. The scene is of a typical office setting, 2 guys at in front and behind a desk, company name is “____ Children’s Book Publishers.” The caption is “We’re letting you go Jones, Your work’s not worth doo-doo.” Ring any bells?

A: It sounds kind of familiar, but one panel cartoons are the tough. Either I remember them or I don’t, and this one I don’t. If anybody else remembers this one, please post it in a comment.

61. Chinese Menu and Sherlock Holmes Comic

Q: Can you tell me what issues of National Lampoon contained 1) a hilarious Chinese restaurant menu parody and 2) a comic book parody featuring Sherlock Holmes?

A: The Chinese restaurant menu appeared in the December 1978 (Food & Festivity) issue in an article featuring parodies of various kinds of restaurants. The other one would be “The Strange Case of the Queen’s Pupils” by Michel Choquette & Charles O’Hegarty’s from the July 1971 (Pornography) issue. (Thanks to William for the Sherlock Holmes parody answer.) More info and discussion in the Comments link below.

60. Tony Redunzo—Make Out Artist

Q: I thought that in the high school parody issue the magazine did an interview with “Tony Redunzo-makeout artist”. Do you know if that parody was indeed done in that issue?

A: Jay comes through again: It was part of “Third Base, The Dating Newspaper” from the April 1972 (25th Anniversary) issue. It also appeared in the National Lampoon Best of #3 (1973) and, according to Jay, will be included in the forthcoming anthology “National Lampoon’s Big Book of Love” in February 2004.

59. Strawberry Cheesecake

Q: I am trying to find the centerfold of an issue that as published sometime between May and December 1982. It featured a Strawberry Shortcake and a Smurf. At this point, I would be happy to know which issue it was in. Any ideas?

A: It was “Smurfery Rhymes” by Sean Kelly and Rick Meyerowitz in the September 1982 (Hot Sex) issue.

58. How to Give a Sales Presentation

Q: I remember a cartoon from ’76, ‘ 77, ‘ 78 ?? which showed three ways to put on a sales presentation. One was to be clean cut and professional, one was to come in acting like a clown, and one was to give BJs under the table. What issue was that in?

A: It was the December 1975 (Money) issue. The article was called “The National Lampoon Guide to Effective Salesmanship” by Tony Hendra and Gerald Sussman, illustrations uncredited. (Thanks to Jay.)

57. “Obscuration of the Subhermesic Lemia”

Q: Do you recall every seeing anything in Lampoon with the title something like “Obscuration of the Subhermesic Lemia” This was a phony medical article that had all of these bogus medical terms to show how ridiculous medicalese could be. Someone showed me this awhile back and I haven’t been able to find it or the correct title.

A: It’s from the May 1975 (Medicine) issue, part of a medical journal parody called “COMA”. More details in the Comments. (Thanks again to Carol!)

56. Animal House Roots

Q: At the end of the brilliant film Animal House the main characters are shown as occupying various positions of responsibility several years after their debacle at Faber College, e.g. Bluto ends up a senator, Otter a doctor, Pinto the editor of National Lampoon. Is this a clever spoof, or is the film based on true stories, so that there really is/was a Senator Blutarsky, etc?

A: Are you kidding? It’s all a fiction, though it’s based loosely on the college and/or high school experiences of the three writers, Harold Ramis, Chris Miller, and Doug Kenney—particularly the last two.

The character “Pinto” is based on two different earlier characters which appeared in National Lampoon: First, his “real” name in the movie—Larry Kroger—is also the name of the “owner” of the National Lampoon 1964 High School Yearbook Parody, the creation of Doug Kenney and P.J. O’Rourke. Larry Kroger (in the yearbook parody) is clearly Kenney’s alter ego, and Kenney did, of course, become an editor of National Lampoon. (Initially, the movie was to be set in the high school of the yearbook parody, until they decided to incorporate Miller’s material—see below.) Kenney’s “First Lay Comics” (from the February 1974 issue) and “First High Comics” (from the January 1975 issue) were also adapted for scenes in the film.

Larry Kroger’s nickname in the movie, “Pinto,” was originally the nickname of the protagonist in several short stories by Chris Miller, “The Night of the Seven Fires” (from the October 1974 issue) and “Pinto’s First Lay” (from the September 1975 issue). (There was also a third story: “Good Sports” in the December 1989 issue.) These stories were based on his frat-house days at Dartmouth College, and the “Pinto” character, always referred to only by nickname, is presumably Miller’s younger self.

Kenney’s “Kroger” and Miller’s “Pinto” are melded into one character in Animal House, freely adapting the two writers’ works into one story. Some of the other characters also came from the yearbook parody (e.g., Faun Rosenberg) and Miller’s stories (e.g., Otter). Not sure where Blutarsky came from other than Belushi himself.

Both Kenney and Miller had small parts in the film as members of the Delta House fraternity—Kenney played “Stork” (the nerd) and Miller played a suave-looking guy named “Hardbar.”

55. “The Rigging of a Ship”

Q: I’d like to find the issue that had a piece called “The Rigging of a Ship”. It was early ’70s – that much I’m sure of.

A: That appeared in The National Lampoon Encyclopedia of Humor, 1973.

54. “Clowning Around with Tits” and “Dogfishing”

Q: Do you recall which issue had the “clowing around with tits” photo? Also, the story about dog-fishing?

A: “Clowning Around with Tits” appeared in the February 1976 (Artists and Models) issue, and “Dogfishing,” by Gerald Sussman, appeared in the April 1976 (Sports) issue.

New, Improved Answers Page

Since I added the Answers page to Mark’s Very Large National Lampoon Site in February 1999, I’ve only added to it twice. Not exactly how I thought it was going to work.

In the mean time, I’ve received literally hundreds of queries. I’ve answered most of them privately—either with the information requested, or with the admission that I don’t know the answer and a vague promise to keep looking. Frankly, I just can’t keep up with all the questions and too many emails have gone unanswered. I just don’t have the time. My apologies to anyone who didn’t get a reply.

Last weekend, I received a message from a guy named James who had asked me a question a while back that I didn’t know the answer to. Well, that was over a year ago and he wondered if I had found it yet. I looked again, and still couldn’t find it, so he suggested—as I had promised on the Answers page—that I throw the question out to the readers. A perfectly reasonable idea and something I should have been doing all along.

Inspired by James’ (understandable) frustration and my own nagging guilt over promising more than I could possibly deliver, I came up with what I hope will be a better way to handle questions.

On the Answers page, you will now find a Comments area below each question/answer. I will be adding more questions to the page—particularly ones I don’t know the answer to. If you know the answer (or disagree with mine), click on the Comments link and take a stab at it. I will monitor the submissions and, when they appear to be correct, I will update the answers.

I will try to regularly add new questions to the page as well as ones I’ve previously answered (or not) privately. Hopefully, this will work much better than the behind-the-scenes way I’ve been doing it, replacing it with something that’s more public, collaborative, and timely.

Update: It’s already working! The question I mentioned above has already been answered correctly.

53. Hemingway Parody

Q: I’m looking for the Hemingway parody of a Nick Adams story where a guy gets locked inside a sporting goods store at night. I can’t recall exactly when it was as I read my brother’s hand-me-down issues before I started buying my own. I’d say most likely ’79-’84.

A: “The Sun Also Sets” by Joey Green in the November 1982 issue. (Thanks to Jay.)

52. Live Tours in 1978

Q: I have question regarding the live tour, specifically regarding who was in the troupe in the spring of 1978. I have a ticket from this tour and I would like to know who was involved.

A: Most likely, the ticket stub was from either the touring “That’s Not Funny, That’s Sick!” or the subsequent and short-lived “If We’re Late, Start Without Us”. Both shows, at various times, featured the actors Roger Bumpass, Sarah Durkee, Didi Dobbs, Mark King, Eleanor Reissa, Wendy Goldwyn, Andy Moses, and others. (A big thanks to Sarah Durkee for the info. Incidently, Sarah married NatLamp music director Paul Jacobs and was involved in a number of Lampoon projects and, more recently, PBS kids’ shows with other Lampoon veterans including Henry Beard, Christopher Cerf and Sean Kelly. Also, if anyone reading this happens to know whatever happened to any of the other actors that appeared in the live shows, drop me a line.)

51. Timberland Tales (Santa)

Q: I am looking for an episode of the cartoon Timberland Tales where the kid [Maurice] goes to see Santa Claus, and he thinks Santa has leprosy when his makeup melts.

A: It was Timberland Tales, by B. K. Taylor, in the December ’83 (Holiday Jeers!) issue, page 95.

50. “…and God created squirrel in his own image”

Q: Do you happen to know which issue had a cartoon that showed various furry woodland creatures in and around trees, each with a thought balloon over its head that said, “…and God created squirrel in his own image,” “…and God created rabbit in his own image,” etc., etc.

A: It appeared in the October ’74 (Pubescence) issue on page 91 and was by cartoonist S. Harris.

49. “Americans United to Beat the Dutch”

Q: Do you recall a National Lampoon feature from the early 1970s (I think) that outlined the threat posed by the Netherlands (“Dutch treat means no treat at all”)?

A: The piece, titled “Americans United to Beat the Dutch,” was written by Henry Beard and Christopher Cerf, first appeared in the April ’73 (Prejudice) issue and was reprinted in the anthologies National Lampoon The Best of 4 (1974) and the “National Lampoon Tenth Anniversary Anthology” (1979). You may also be interested to know they did a bit based on the article on the Radio Hour in 1974 which was performed by Beard and Cerf.

48. Uncle Buckle, the Safety Buffalo

Q: I remember an issue from 1975 (?) that had a story about kids in a driver’s education class. I remember a character called Uncle Buckle the Safety Buffalo. Can you tell me which issue this story was in?

A: Pretty good guess. It was the April ’75 (Car Sickness) issue, titled “Driver’s Ed” written by P.J. O’Rourke; produced and directed by Peter Kleinman.

47. “Cliff-Hanger Justice”

Q: I have been trying to find the issues that featured the “Wile E. Coyote vs. Acme Corp.” trial. It was a very funny trial of the Acme Corp selling defective products. I believe it ran in the late ’70’s early 80’s and it was at least three parts.

A: The title was “Cliff-Hanger Justice,” by Joey Green. It ran in three parts in the August, September, and October ’82 issues.

46. Re: The Panic Button WTF?

Q: I don’t get it about the “Panic Button.” It didn’t send me anywhere except further down the same page. My cubicle-mate said it might be some sort of joke or it’s just not working right. I’m taking a hell of a chance here, surfing on company time, and probably so are a lot of other people, although I didn’t see one of those counter-things on your page. So, Ed, my cubicle-mate, and I have decided not to bookmark your page because it’s just too chancy. Don’t e-mail me back if it starts working, either, because they snoop your e-mail around here. (They’re bastards, I mean it! I’m deleting this the minute I send it.) I’ll check back occasionally when the snoops are on lunch break. I hope you’ll understand that I can’t use my real name. And that’s not my cubicle-mate’s real name, either.

A: Don’t panic. Yes, it’s just a joke. There is no “Panic Button.” I meant to put one on every page when I first created the site, but forgot about it. I noticed much later that I had forgot to implement it, I added the explanation as a cop out. It’s my favorite kind of joke: the logical paradox. Is it true or not? No way to tell from reading it. I hope you didn’t really fall for it and that you won’t get in trouble from me replying to you, whoever you are.

45. “Thanksgiving Memory”

Q: I remember reading a story about a family celebrating Thanksgiving.

A: The story you’re looking for was “Thanksgiving Memory” by Chris Miller which appeared in the July ’74 issue. Supposedly, the magazine got in trouble with Miller when it printed his draft before he was finished with the piece. It was a while before he appeared in the magazine again.

44. “My Cousin, Jesus Christ… “

Q: I am trying to find out what issue of National Lampoon had the article “My Cousin Jesus.” I think it was in 1970 or 1971?

A: Good guess. It was titled “My Cousin Jesus Christ… a Boyhood Remembered by Moishe the Greengrocer as told to Dick Scharp,” written by John Boni. It appeared in the December ’70 (Christmas) issue.

43. Bored of the Rings

Q: Do you remember a paperback parody of Lord of the Rings entitled Bored of the Rings? I seem to remember a vicious little parody, beautifully written, perfect cover art. At the time (late 70’s) I thought that the book came from National Lampoon but I’m not sure.

A: Bored of the Rings was was written for the Harvard Lampoon by Doug Kenney and Henry Beard, two of the three founders of National Lampoon, and published the summer of 1969, just before the magazine was launched.

42. “Buy This Magazine or We’ll Shoot This Dog!”

Q: Which issue had “Buy This Magazine or We’ll Shoot This Dog!” on the cover?

A: That was the January ’73 (Death) issue. In the following issue, they claimed they did shoot the dog, laying the blame on all those heartless people who didn’t buy the magazine.

41. “like a Mongol burning hot…”

Q: What the hell does “like a Mongol burning hot for cotton” mean? Henry Rollins quoted it at a press conference, said it was from NL circa 1975 and said he still had no idea what it means.

A: The reference is from an article by Ted Mann titled “Temptations to Actual Sin: ALL MORTAL SINS! ALL AGAINST THE HOLY GHOST! Guaranteed to: Put You in the Power of the Devil! Result in Temporal and Eternal Punishment! Deprive You of Sanctifying Grace!”. It appeared in the February 1981 (Sin) issue. There are a number of lewd photos of women with word balloons. One of them reads: “I’m going to tempt you to reject the known truth. In fact, if you’ll say two plus two equals five, you may take me from the rear like a brutal Mongol burning for coition.”

The only mystery now is where the hell did Mann come up with it? (Thanks to Wendell Evans for putting me on the right track on this one.)

40. “Dr. Fun’s Magic Show.”

Q: I’m looking for an article called something like “Dr. Fun’s Magic Show.”

A: “Magic Show” by Chris Miller appeared in the July ’75 (3-D/Entertainment) issue.

39. “Evil Clown”

Q: Who did the recurring “Evil Clown” comics series back in the eighties?

A: “Evil Clown” was written by Nick Bakay and illustrated by Alan Kupperberg.

38. “The Deeds of Hercules Amongst the North Americans”

Q: Do you recall who did “The Deeds of Hercules Amongst the North Americans” cartoon?

A: That would be Mark Marek, who also did “New Wave Comics” prior to the Hercules series.

37. “Lemmings” Video

Q: I want to know if they ever released or plan to release a video of the “Lemmings” show on video.

A: The most recent issue of National Lampoon carries an ad for a videotape of Lemmings for $49.95. (Thanks to John Hyde for pointing this out to me.) (Update 3/2001): They also appear to be selling this tape on the official National Lampoon site. Update: Naturally, here in the future, you can watch the whole thing on YouTube for free. Tapes? Seriously?

36. “Disco Beaver From Outer Space”

Q: Do you have any info on “Disco Beaver From Outer Space”—who, what, where, why?

A: (2005 Update) My previous answer to this question was so full of corrections and corrected corrections that I decided to start over. What follows is (knock on wood) definitive: “Disco Beaver From Outer Space” was produced for HBO in 1978 and aired in 1979. It featured performances by Lynn Redgrave (special guest star), Rodger Bumpass, Peter Ebling, Alice Playten, James Widoes, Lee Wilkof, Michael Simmons and Slewfoot (a C&W band), Sarah Durkee, Tony Hendra, and Sean Kelly. It was produced by Tony Hendra and Matty Simmons was executive producer. It was directed by Joshua White, written by Peter Ebling, Jeff Greenfield, Ted Mann, Harry Shearer, and John Weidman, with songs by Peter Ebling, Sean Kelly, and Tony Hendra. The title song “Disco Beaver From Outer Space” was performed by Alice Playten. Numerous outdoor shots were filmed on location in New York City. (Sources: Michael Simmons, Matty Simmon’s book “If You Don’t Buy This Book, We’ll Kill This Dog!”, Mike Galos, and Guy H.) 2017 Update: Of course, these days you can watch the entire thing for free on YouTube.

35. “The Miracle of Democracy”

Q: I’ve been looking for a copy of the magazine (ca. 1970) that had a lampoon of the US Congress, a cartoon called “How a Bill Becomes Law” that was a take off on an old high school civics text book. Can you provide at least a citation so I know what issue I’m looking for?

A: That item first appeared in the August ’72 (The Miracle of Democracy) issue as part of a piece titled “The Miracle of Democracy” by Doug Kenney and Bruce McCall. It was also reprinted in the anthology The National Lampoon Best of 4 (1973) and the June ’85 (Best of Doug Kenney) issue.

34. Country Western Song Flowchart

Q: Years ago–the late ’70s or maybe ’80–’81 but no sooner—I read a flow chart that described how to write a country song..ie: my truck… my dead dog… ran away with my wife etc…

A: According to Jenny (see Comment link below), this appeared in the LA Times, not National Lampoon.

33. Mr. Vengeance

Q: Ten or more years ago I read a comic strip called Mr. Vengeance in National Lampoon. I don’t know if this was a recurring feature, or a one-time piece. This particular item involved Mr. Vengence getting “really mad”, showing up somewhere with an “intestine necktie”, and that including making people he didn’t like watch the “Care Bear Movie.”

A: “Mr. Vengeance” was written and illustrated by Buddy Hickerson and ran for many years during the ’80s. It usually appeared in the Funny Pages section of the magazine. The one you’re looking for is a special full-color feature from the Nov. ’85 issue (The Mad As Hell Issue). Hickerson also contributed other strips and did some feature illustrations.

32. “The Sunshine Room”

Q: I was wondering if you knew in which issue the story “The Sunshine Room” (or it could be “Our Lady of St. Pistacio”) written by NatLamp editor Larry Sloman appeared.

A: I looked, but couldn’t find it. Sloman became editor with the December ’84 issue and wrote for the magazine at least through the early ’90s. I checked issues back to ’77 and I didn’t see anything by him before he was editor. Sorry. (Know the answer to this question? Use the comments below and take a shot at it.)

31. Cosmopolitan Parody Centerfold

Q: Who was the male centerfold in the Harvard Lampoon‘s 1972 parody of Cosmopolitan?

A: Henry Kissinger.

30. O.C. and Stiggs Movie

Q: Do you know anything about the movie “O.C. and Stiggs”? I know ABC distributed it, but I can not find it anywhere. Also, in which issues did the O.C. and Stiggs appear?

A: The O.C. and Stiggs movie, written by NatLamp editors Ted Mann and Tod Caroll and directed by Robert Altman was released in 1987. It was not produced as a National Lampoon movie even though it was based on articles that appeared in the magazine. NatLamp publisher Matty Simmons was not interested in it as a movie and allowed Mann and Caroll to try to get it produced on their own, which they did.

O.C. and Stiggs first appeared in the July ’81 (Endless, Mindless Summer Sex) issue in two articles, “Summer Fun with O.C. and Stiggs” and “Some Real Stupid Guys That O.C. and Stiggs Know Go to the Beach.” They also appeared in “The O.C. and Stiggs Annual Gash Report 1981” in the February ’82 (The Sexy Issue), “The O.C. and Stiggs Guaranteed Method of Porking the Vice-President’s Wife” in the June ’82 (Do It Yourself) issue, and, finally, there was a special “O.C. and Stiggs” issue in October ’82 (The Utterly Monstrous, Mind-Roasting Summer of O.C. and Stiggs).

29. Letters From the Editors

Q: Is there any chance someone has published a collection of the Letters to the Editor section? For me, that was the best part of each issue. Remember the one from the two Moslems with a bazooka on the roof of the Beirut Hilton?

A: National Lampoon published a collection in 1973 as a paperback called “Letters From the Editors of National Lampoon.” This is the only collection I’m aware of. And, according to reader E., the letter in question appeared in the April 1976 (Sports) issue.

28. VW Ad Parody

Q: The best ad parody I ever saw in National Lampoon showed a floating Volkswagon Bug in the water with the caption “If Teddy Kennedy drove a Volkswagon, He’d be President Today.” Where did that appear?

A: That was in the National Lampoon Encyclopedia of Humor (1973). It’s listed in the contents page (under D) as “Doyle Dane Bernbach” and was written by Anne Beatts. If you buy a copy of this issue, you may find the ad is missing. As a result of a lawsuit by VW over the ad for unauthorized use of their trademark, NatLamp was forced to remove the page (with razor blades!) from any copies they still had in inventory (which, from what I gather, was about half the first printing of 250,000 copies) and all subsequent reprints. For what it’s worth, Ted Kennedy didn’t sue.

27. “Night of the Seven Fires”

Q: One of the funniest things I ever read was “Night of the Seven Fires” by Chris Miller. Which issue was that in?

A: That appeared in the October ’74 (Pubescence) issue. By the way, that story was partly the basis for the movie “Animal House,” which was co-written by Miller, Doug Kenney, and Harold Ramis.

26. “Dinah’s Dumper”

Q: I perused your issue guides and I can’t seem to locate any references to “Dinah’s Dumper.” It was Dinah Shore on the crapper with Burt Reynolds and a bunch of talk-show type celebrities standing around kibbitzing. Was this one of the “surprise posters”?

A: It was and it appeared in the April ’77 (Ripping the Lid Off TV) issue.

25. JFK Issue

Q: I remember an issue with JKF on the cover.

A: That would be February ’77—“Grand Fifth Term Inaugural Issue: JFK’s First 6,000 Days” which featured a silver-haired JFK on the cover. The whole issue was a big “what if…” about how things might have turned out had the assassin’s bullet missed JFK and hit Jackie instead. A very good issue—neatly skewering the Kennedy myth: US steers clear of Vietnam, but ends up in Northern Ireland instead.

24. “Fear and Loathing in the First Grade”

Q: I recalled a very favorite NL which had a story “Fear and Loathing in the First Grade.” Any help or directions you can send me are much appreciated.

A: That story appeared in the March ’84 issue. (Thanks to its author, Mat Jacobs, for the answer.)

23. National Lampoon Art Poster Book

Q: Do you recall a poster book published by the National Lampoon that included Mona Gorilla, The Presenting of the Bill at the Last Supper, Guernixa, and the Sistine Chapel Floor?

A: It was called “The National Lampoon Art Poster Book” and it was fairly large format (15″ x 11″), published in 1975 by Harmony Books.

22. “Let My People Go, Nyuk-Nyuk-Nyuk!”

Q: I am looking for the issue of the National Lampoon (I think it was in the ’80s sometime) which has an article called “Let My People Go—Nyuk, Nyuk, Nyuk.” It was the Book of Exodus written as if it were a Three Stooges episode (Moses, Curly and Larry leading the Israelites out of Egypt). It was perhaps the funniest thing I had ever read, and I have been looking for it for some time.

A: “Let My People Go, Nyuk-Nyuk-Nyuk!” appeared in the February 1984 issue of National Lampoon and was written by T.J. Englander.

21. National Lampoon Web Site

Q: Does National Lampoon have a homepage?

A: Yes. www.nationallampoon.com. However, there has only been a “temporary” page there for the last few years (as of 2024).

20. Subscriptions/Contact

Q: How do I get in touch with the company that owns/publishes National Lampoon? Is it still possible to subscribe to it?

A: It’s no longer being published (as of 1998), but they do have a website at www.nationallampoon.com.

19. “Timberland Tales”

Q: Would you know who did the old cartoon “Timberland Tales” for the Lampoon? I couldn’t find it mentioned in your “issues” notes.

A: That would be B .K. Taylor.

18. Danielle, the Foto Funnies Girl

Q: I’ve wondered for years and years what ever happened to Danielle, the Foto Funnies lady.

A: According to Matty Simmons’ book (Buy This Book or We’ll Shoot This Dog) she got married and moved to Connecticut. There was also a Foto Funnies farewell to her in the magazine when she left in 1975.

17. Loompanics Unlimited

Q: The Library of Congress lists a reference to “Index to the National Lampoon by Michael Hoy (Loompanics), first four years only.” Have you heard of it? I was wondering if you know Michael Hoy, or if you had any assistance from him or “Loompanics Unlimited”?

A: Don’t know him, but I have heard of Loompanics Unlimited and the Index. In the early ’70s, they used to run a small typewritten ad in the back of National Lampoon offering it. I get their catalog occasionally which seems to specialize in subversive literature, but I’ve never seen the Index for sale in it.

16. “Kit ‘n’ Kaboodle”

Q: Can you tell me where ‘Kit n’Kaboodle’ appeared besides June ’73 (Violence) issue?

A: Yes, it also appeared in both the 10th Anniversary Anthology and The National Lampoon Best of #4. It was written by Brian McConnachie and illustrated by Warren Sattler.

15. Cartoonist Info

Q: Do you have any information about the cartoonists who appeared in NatLamp during the seventies—Bode, London. et al. Is there a site that displays their talents? How did NL find these artists? Were they paid very well for their creations? I’d like to find out more about the relationships between them and the magazine. It seemed to be a crucial aspect of NatLamp. One I remember seemed to have a penchant for talking gloved hands. What has happened to these artists?

A: Bobby London, of course, did the comic “Dirty Duck” which ran from 1972 to 1976 (when he was “dumped,” according to London). Dirty Duck still runs in Playboy magazine.

London was part of a group called Air Pirates (1971), a project led and instigated by comic artist Dan O’Neill. There was also an Air Pirates Defense Fund which toured comic book conventions (according to London, O’Neill used the proceeds to buy marijuana). Other Air Pirates were: Gary Hallgren (O’Neill’s art assistant), Ted Richards, Shary Flenniken, Larry Todd (Vaughan Bode’s assistant) and the late Willy Murphy. The Air Pirates were sued by Disney over a comic called “Mouse Liberation Front Comics” for $150,000. The Air Pirates violated the court injunction by reforming as the “MLF” without London and Murphy. By 1979, London was drawing for the New York Times and Playboy. His parents incorporated briefly that year to protect him from the MLF.

He also did syndicated Popeye comics in daily newspapers for several years during the ’80s.

There was a Dirty Duck movie created in the ’70s featuring Flo and Eddie on the soundtrack. In fact there was a Dirty Duck movie made in 1975 (check it out), but it had nothing to do with Bobby London’s characters nor was it authorized by him. According to London (I haven’t seen the movie) the plot was swiped from “Fritz The Cat.” The late Grateful Dead artist Rick Griffin was used to draw a cigar-smoking duck surrounded by bikini-clad babes strictly for poster art and publicity (there was no cigar-smoking duck in the movie).

London and his wife (from 1971-1977) Shary Flenniken (creator of “Trots & Bonnie”) were brought in by NL editor Michel Choquette. Bobby was from New York and Shary was from Seattle.

Vaughn Bode’s connection with NatLamp could have been to do with his having been editor of an all-comic tabloid published by the East Village Other, also former home of Michael O’Donoghue one of NatLamp‘s original editors.

Bode, who did “Cheech Wizard,” died of accidental strangulation in 1975 at the age of 33.

According to Bobby London, a lot of the artists “discovered” by National Lampoon were popular enough at the time to be considered assets rather than discoveries. The page rate was good for the time and fantastic compared to comic books. Virtually all the “underground” cartoonists in San Francisco turned National Lampoon down, vilifying London for joining them—“working for the establishment,” “selling out”—and fell over themselves to fill his spot when he was gone.

London has a web site, www.dirtyduck.com. Shary Flenniken put up a web site in 2002, and there is a Vaughan Bode site called Da Vaughan Bode Site.

 Finally, you are not hallucinating—the mystery cartoonist was M.K. Brown, who often featured talking appliances, unidentifiable animals and some characters (species unknown) which looked liked hand puppets, but without the puppet. Very strange (and funny). There is an official M. K. Brown website at mkbrown.net.

14. “Everyone’s a Criminal”

Q: Years ago I read a poem in a National Lampoon magazine about a kid who went to see his grandfather in intensive care. It was probably the most hilarious thing I’ve ever seen. Any idea of the poem I’m referring to?

A: It’s in the April ’87 issue. It’s a four-page poem titled “Everyone’s a Criminal” by Peter Kleinman and illustrated by the well-known cartoonist Gahan Wilson. The poem is about a boy and his father who decide to pay a visit to his uncle Mel who is dying in a hospital. At the end the boy pulls the plug. (It’s his uncle instead of his grandfather, but no doubt it’s the one you remember.)

13. Magazine’s Current Status

Q: Is National Lampoon still being published?

A: No. The last issue was published in November 1998. They do, however, have a website and have recently re-issued some of the special issues in hardback.

12. Mr. Mulch

Q: Do you have any idea where the character of Mr. Mulch first appeared and who was responsible for him?

A: He was a character in “Utopia Four Comics” by Sean Kelly, illustrated by Joe Orlando, from the June 1971 (Religion for Fun and Prophet) issue. The comic parody featured four superheroes based on popular counter-culture heroes Buckminster Fuller (Super-Bucky), Kate Millett (Karate Kate), Marshall McLuhan (Media Man), and Charles Reich (Mr. Mulch).

11. “Vacation ’58”

Q: I’ve been trying to convince my friends that “Vacation” started out as a short story in the magazine in the 70’s. What issue was that in?

A: The story—which was indeed the basis for “National Lampoon’s Vacation”—was called “Vacation ’58” by John Hughes and first appeared in the September 1979 (Fall Potpourri) issue. It was also reprinted in the July 1983 (Vacation!) issue to promote the release of the movie.

10. “Class of ’86”

Q: There was a movie that appeared on Showtime called National Lampoon’s Class of ’86. Very funny. Do you know it ? Do you know where I can get a copy?

A: From Kit Lively (with thanks): “Class of ’86” is a performance of the National Lampoon stage show from 1986, and it is very funny. It’s basically a collection of skits detailing how crappy the world had become by 1986 (if only they could see us now), sort of from the view point of a couple of hippies who had supposedly been on a severe acid trip since 1966. It’s available on Paramount Home Video, and in fact Reel.com has it for sell as well. A new copy will run you $25.99, and a used copy is $8.99.

Update: And, of course, if you’re reading this sometime in the 21st century, you can watch it for free on YouTube.

9. “First Blowjob”

Q: Many moons ago National Lampoon published a short story titled “First Blowjob.” It was by either Doug Kenney or Ed Subitzky—I don’t recall. I’ve been looking for it for a long time, but with no luck.

A: That story (by Doug Kenney) first appeared in “The National Lampoon Encyclopedia of Humor,” a special issue which was published in 1973. It also appeared in the hardcover “10th Anniversary Anthology” and the paperback anthology “A Dirty Book.”

8. “The Mad Vandal”

Q: I use to listen to the National Lampoon Radio Hour in the mid-’70s with my brother. We were trying to remember a skit called “The Mad Vandal” and if it was part of the NLRH.

A: Yes, there was indeed a “Mad Vandal” bit, in fact, it was a two-show serial and was broadcast in June of ’74 and was written by Doug Kenney. It was based on the 1964 High School Yearbook Parody which had an ongoing gag in which a “mad vandal” terrorized the school by playing practical jokes on students and faculty invariably featuring human excrement. In the yearbook parody, no one knew who it was, but it’s apparent that it was the school’s principal. In the Radio Hour serial, the Mad Vandal is unveiled in the end.

7. “My Vagina”

Q: I remember a story called “My Vagina” that appeared in an one of the issues. Would you know where I could find this?

A: That would be the April ’79 issue. It is also included in the National Lampoon Tenth Anniversary Anthology (1979). By the way, that story was written by John Hughes, the guy responsible for Home Alone, NL’s Vacation, Ferris Bueler’s Day Off, etc. I doubt they’ll do a movie treatment of “My Vagina” though…:-)

6. Elephant cartoon

Q: I am looking for a particular comic that appeared in the Lampoon (I think) during the “golden” years. My husband loves the comic so much that he still laughs over it every time he just thinks about it. As he tells it,it is a picture of an elephant (maybe on a toilet) crying with a caption below that says something like “You would cry too if you had to wipe with your nose.”

A: That cartoon, titled “Mildred,” appeared on the “Lad’s Laughs” page in the “Boy’s Real Life” parody which appeared in the October ’74 (Pubescence) issue and was drawn by the ubiquitous Warren Sattler.

5. “Foreigners Around the World”

Q: I was at my used magazine supplier and wasn’t able to locate the NatLamp issue on Foreigners. It had an article called “Foreigners Around the World.” I find no reference to it. Did I imagine it? I think the last time I saw it was in 1976.

A: “Foreigners Around the World” was written by P. J. O’Rourke and first appeared in the May 1976 (Foreigners) issue. It also was reprinted in the National Lampoon Tenth Anniversary Anthology (1979).

4. National Lampoon Reprints

Q: Are there any resources for ordering reproductions [of the magazine] that you know of?

A: Not that I know of, but back issues are not hard too find. See the Where To Find Stuff page for more info. Also, if you just want to read them, you can get every regular issue (in Adobe Reader format) on the National Lampoon Complete DVD. It’s not perfect, but not a bad deal for the price and convenience.

3. “Large, Dangerous Things…”

Q: I remember a series of stories called “large dangerous things that go fast” and “small dangerous things that go fast” I think Hunter Thompson might have even wrote them. I would love to get may hands on a copy, there is a great story about waking up moonshine blind !

A: That appeared in the March ’77 (Science and Technology) issue. It was written in a Thompson-esque style. Thompson never wrote for NatLamp. (Thanks to both Joshua Fiero and Kurt Meyer for this answer.)

2. “Telejester”

Q: I am looking for a Chris Miller story, “Telejester”, wherein (among other things) Richard Nixon has a large key in his back, and he must be wound up periodically. I think it also appeared in an anthology of Miller’s short stories.

A: The issue you want is August ’73 (Strange Beliefs) issue. I’m not aware of a Chris Miller anthology per se, but it did also appear in the NatLamp anthology “This Side of Parodies.” Also, Chris has a website (www.chrismillerwriter.com) and has been posting his classic short stories periodically. Update: Sadly, Chris’s website no longer exists.

1. “That’s Not Funny, That’s Sick!”

Q: Do you remember the album “That’s Not Funny, That’s Sick!” and where can I find it?

A: I do not know where to find copies of the 1977 NatLamp LP “That’s Not Funny, That’s Sick!” (it was originally issued as an LP, and later on cassette) but it is available on compact disc from Amazon.com.

For those unfamiliar with this album, here is a quick run down:

“That’s Not Funny, That’s Sick!” was released in 1977 on Label 21 Records. It stars Brian Doyle-Murray, Bill Murray, Christopher Guest and features Richard Belzer, Rhonda Coullet, Gracie Whitebread, Pat Bright, Bob Dryden, George Agoglia, Tony Hendra, Sid Davis, Larraine Newman, Anna Uppstrom, John Dunn, and John Weidman. It was written by Brian Doyle-Murray, Bill Murray, Richard Belzer, Christopher Guest, John Weidman, Bob Tischler, Tony Hendra, Harold Ramis, Doug Kenney, and Bruce McCall; produced and engineered by Bob Tischler. The cover illustration (the infamous double-amputee frog cartoon) was by Sam Gross. Bits include The Dick Ballentine Phone-In Show (Belzer), Listener-Sponsored Radio (Bill Murray), Mr. Roberts (Mr. Rogers parody with Guest and Bill Murray) where he interviews a bass player (my favorite line: Mr. Roberts: Well, we’re gonna go to the Magic Kingdom. Bass Player: Ah, no, man. It’s too early for me. I gotta drive.), “Height Report Disco” (Bill Murray and Donna Detroit), Humpback Whales with Gas (Hendra), 2015-Year-Old Man (Belzer), Monolithic Oil Corporation Spot, and others. Some of the bits originally aired on the National Lampoon Radio Hour.