Your Unauthorized Guide to the Golden Age of National Lampoon Magazine

February 1973, Vol. 1, No. 35 / Sexual Frustration

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“LAST MONTH’S COVER: Remember it? …The dog that was going to be killed if you didn’t buy the issue? You people are really incredible. You had us kill that sweet pooch. And don’t for a minute go blaming us. The choice was yours entirely. We held the gun, but you sure as hell pulled the trigger …though there are those among you who did buy three and four issues to take up whatever slack existed. Those people are to be commended. But it wasn’t enough. It was for everyone to pull his and her share. And you didn’t. We are really overwhelmed by what little regard you hold for life. You should be ashamed of yourselves. And be punished. Outside of the edirial you had to read to get to this paragraph, we couldn’t think of anything suitable. If, by some chance, you didn’t read the editorial, go back and read it. Three times. No, four times. It’s hardly punishment enough, but it’ll have to do for the time being. And if the day ever comes when we have all become policemen, and you are being held hostage by crazed killers who have their guns aimed right at your semicircular canals and are yelling to us to throw down our guns or you’ll be chasing your frontal lobes down Sunny Goodge Street, we’ll remenber what you did to that dog. Just remember that.

“COVER: This cover is further punishment for having us kill the dog on last month’s cover.”

The cover illustration, by David Willardson, is a parody of the old Coppertone ad in which a small dog reveals the untanned bottom of a young girl. Except that the girl isn’t so young and the dog is a guy.

Contents (listing only)

Editorial, Uncredited; Photograph uncredited

Letters, Uncredited; Illustration by Marvin Mattleson

Mrs. Agnew’s Diary, Uncredited [Doug Kenney]; Illustration by Marvin Mattleson

True Facts, Uncredited; Illustration by Marvin Mattleson

News on the March, Uncredited [Henry Beard]; Illustration by Marvin Mattleson, Photographs uncredited

Humorrhoids, By Henry Beard; Illustration by Marvin Mattleson

The I-Hate-to-Fuck Book, By Terry Catchpole; Photograph by Ronald G. Harris

Try a Little Tenderloin, By Tony Hendra; Photocollages by Ron Barrett

The Catholic Sex Manual, By Dean Latimer; Illustration by Marvin Mattleson

Piddle, By P. J. O’Rourke; Illustrations and photographs uncredited

Foto Funnies, Uncredited; Illustration by Marvin Mattleson; Photographs uncredited [features Chris Miller and others]

Chastity, Cartoons by Picha

Surprise Poster #3, By Michael O’Donoghue; Photograph uncredited

Mother’s Little Helper, By Anne Beatts; Illustration by Anne Beatts; Photograph uncredited

Invisible Robkin in the Girls’ Locker Room, Chris Miller; Illustration by Dick Hess

The Oral Passions of William Howard Taft, By Ed Bluestone; Illustrated by Gray Morrow and Alan Kupperberg

The Palma Sutra, Doug Kenney; Sculpture by Dick Dulaney

The Kind Men Like, By Michael O’Donoghue; Illustrations by Malcom and Nancy Fowler

Funny Pages, Featuring “Nuts” by Gahan Wilson; “Cheech Wizard” by Vaughn Bodé; “Trots and Bonnie” by Shary Flenniken; “Dirty Duck” by Bobby London; “The Adventures of Virgil Virgin!” by Ed Subitzky; “Idyl” by Jeff Jones; and “The Aesop Brothers, Siamese Twins”

Original material (excluding quoted material) © 1997-2024 Mark Simonson.
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